Women Love Power®

Feminine Power, Self Discovery & Sacred Sensuality by Ayesha K. Faines

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Three Lessons in Life, Love & Sacred Femininity From Oshun

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Oshun is the Yoruban goddess of the rivers and fresh waters, sensuality, fertility, beauty, art, wealth and love. Brought to the America’s via the Transatlantic slave trade, today, she is revered in Santeria, Candomble, and Afro-Haitian religious tradition as well.

She is such a strong force in the collective unconscious that she turns up, sometimes  unintentionally, in contemporary popular culture. From the universal image of a beautiful woman emerging from water (as in 007) to Pam Grier’s ‘Foxxy Brown’ and Beyonce’s’Lemonade’, the powerful orisha still makes her scintillating presence known. 

Even today, the ancient mythic stories that surround Oshun offer inspiring insight into soft power, transformation and the sacred feminine.  For women, myths offer a significant pathway to understanding feminine power as these ancient deities predate patriarchy and our contemporary concept of feminity. 

In this video, I explore the deeper meaning of several Oshun patakis and offer insight into soft power, radical transformation, and the purpose of pleasure.

 

xo,

Ayesha

Dating One Man at a Time is a Terrible Idea

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Why is any single woman in 2017 still dating one man?

It is a riddle for the ages.

At a time when women have unprecedented autonomy and access to the opposite sex, we still commit  to men who are not committed to us– effectively placing ourselves on the losing end of the negotiation that we call romance.

I thought about this in the aftermath of ABC’s historic season of The Bachelorette as I watched womankind rally behind the losing suitor, a man who oozed passion and charm, but refused to bend a knee. In the end, bachelorette Rachel Lindsay chose the man willing to propose, over the man willing to promise– and women were offended.

I get it. Some of us have a real weakness for promises.

After all, promises are the strips of scotch tape that hold flimsy relationships together. When coupled with passion, they  will  keep a woman physically and emotionally committed to a man who is unwilling to reciprocate. Promises are kindling for situationships-– fuel for the virtual harems that have become the norm in this hi-tech age of un-innoncence.

Forget reality tv– in reality, there are women who choose  promises (and pillow talk)  over power– every single day.

The Last Supper

My former lover thought I was one of those women.

I know because he invited me to dinner, not once, but three times about a month after our liason had flat-lined. I politely  declined.

Maybe another time.

Our situation, after all,  had ended in an ellipses…polite communication punctuated by extended periods of his absence. And when I discovered that he’d taken interest in another woman–  I made peace with the ordeal and quietly moved on.

But after his fourth offer, I caved. Perhaps it was his persistence, or my own fatal curiosity, but on a random weeknight in summer, I found myself  anointing my pulse points in Chanel and wiggling into  a blue dress that  hugged my curves like  an Audi on the Audubon.

We met at a restaurant where the most delicious power struggle ensued.

He was an attractive, older man with oceanic eyes and sandy, leonine locks that like him, resisted being tamed, but on that night, they were bridled by a taut black headband, and he’d swapped his usual graphic tee for a crisp button-down shirt.

He greeted me like we were long-time lovers, and gallantly reached for  my chair. He even caressed my fingers from across the table as he swan dove into my eyes, telling me everything he thought I might like to hear. He had been busy with work, so busy there hadn’t been any time for romance–with anyone. But he would make it up to me in the Fall. He promised.

At the suggestion of a future date, I  smiled, and took to his ego like a butter knife to bread.

I told  him how  grateful I was for all he’d done for me. I assured him that he would  always have a special place in my heart (this is true). I told him he was so smart,  sexy and successful that I knew he could have any woman he wanted.

But right now,  I said just as his chest began to  swell, I want to be with a man who adores me.  A man who is serious about me.  A man with whom I can travel and enjoy life.  A man I can respect. A man who respects me.

And right now— that’s not you.

I reached for my water glass, and politely changed the subject.

He spent the rest of the night  shifting in his seat, searching for the perfect comeback–casting rhetorical lassos that failed to ensnare.

As exhilarating as it was to offer my cheek as he leaned in for a parting kiss, that encounter was not about revenge. It was about power.

His sudden rebound had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his ego. He was the kind of man who needed the reassurance of knowing that  his charm had been so intoxicating– so virile and strong– that I’d be spellbound, even in his absence. He was like a bull in a china shop– let lose, he would break every beautiful thing in his path.

He wanted me in his harem– that is, he wanted me, the woman he was seeing, and anyone else who caught his fancy at the same damn time. This is how harems are formed– around men who offer just enough passion and promise to keep women physically and emotionally invested.

I had to give it to him– he was good at what he did. But I was  nobody’s concubine.

 You might win some… but you just lost one. – Lauryn Hill

A Woman’s Right to Choose

Some of us want butterflies and nothing less. Some of us need fire, even at the risk of getting burned. And maybe our partiality to men who fuel our deepest fantasies offers some insight into why modern dating is the way it is– and that is nothing like Mother Nature planned it.

We find bands of women in these  informal harems of lovers, ex-lovers and friends,  their love lives more-or-less mirroring episodes of  The  Bachelor, when  women are biologically predestined to be The Bachelorette. We were designed to have options.

The closer women get to real power, the more they cling to the idea that they are powerless.”- Hanna Rosin

The power of choice is our birthright.

That’s not a feminist mantra. That is scientific fact.

To understand our enormous power, we must first understand how humans came to exist.

At the dawn of humankind, in a small region of East Africa surrounding Lake Victoria, our predecessors,  Homo erectus females, were dying in catastrophic numbers. The cause— an anatomical bottleneck. The growing brain size  placed expecting mothers in grave peril, as the struggle to push a  large head through a narrow birth canal often resulted in the death of both mother and child*.

And then natural selection came along with an adaptation that gave rise to homo sapiens— and the most powerful female primate on the planet.

A random genetic mutation did away with estrus, the recurring period of sexual receptivity in female primates also known as “heat”. In our evolution from estrus to menses, females gained the power to override their neurological circuitry and the commandment of potent sex hormones. She now could have sex at any time of her cycle, and she gained the ability to choose when, if and with whom she mated.

The power to postpone sex gave women a significant sexual advantage over men. Women came to understand that childbirth could mean death, and developed the foresight to select the best mate—  a man who was not only handsome and virile, but generous and  willing to help mother and child survive the deadly parturition, infancy, child and young adulthood.

With this new adaptation, homo sapien males  needed more than good  looks and hard-ons to get it on. Now, they had to woo women— and our earliest male ancestors did this by offering protection, commitment, and the iron rich meat that women so desperately needed. That means, ancestral men literally risked  life and limb going into battle with wild animals– just to gain access to female sex.

This evolutionary tale is critical in understanding the dissonance between male and female desire that began at the dawn of our species. When Mother Nature gave women veto power over sex, for the first time in primate history, males and females desired different things. Men were after sex; women, a long term investment in the safety and well-being of she and her children. This dissonance would forever force the two sexes into complicated negotiations in order to establish the terms and conditions of mutual sex. Today we call this negotiation dating.

Date, Mate, & Negotiate

If dating is a negotiation where men and women are establishing the terms and conditions of sex, then all too often women fail to petition for their interests. 

We know that the party with the most options, the one most willing to walk, has the upper hand– but our cultural attitudes about femininity,  sexuality and fidelity, in particular our unique practice of “slut-shaming” , systemically  encourages women to act against their own self-interests.

Instead we settle for the intangibles— things like attention, hope and validation— for which, in exchange, we give our most precious resources—  our energy, our emotional labor, our power, our bodies, and perhaps most significantly, our time.

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. – Mae West

She’s not promiscuous; she’s pragmatic.

In season 2 of the HBO series Insecure, a heartbroken Issa attempts  to balance multiple casual sex partners at once. She calls it a ‘ho-tation‘– but let’s not confuse a rotation with promiscuity. It’s called being pragmatic.

We need to rethink sex, power and female fidelity altogether.

Sex-without-strings has never served women well, so much so, our species literally evolved so that human females could avoid it.  For the better part of human history, for a woman,  choosing the right mate (or group of mates) was a matter of life and death. Today, our survival may not depend on it, but our overall well-being certainly does.

Today we have normalized the practice of enjoying and disposing of women with cute terms  like “situationship” and “friends with benefits“. The term “hook up” originates in the African-American vernacular, meaning to give someone something of value as a favor. Derrick hooked me up with VIP passes… one might say.  

Women are hooking men up with their bodies, emotional labor, time,  and energy– and they are getting very little out of the deal.

It’s because we’ve taught women that sex is not about them– and that what they are offering both physically and spiritually is of little value. We sold an entire generation of post-liberation women a lie. We’ve lured women into being concubines–under the guise  of keeping it casual. We’ve taught women that not having their needs met is better than being alone.  We’ve taught women to wear their loyalty and self-sacrifice like a badge of honor, even when it means thwarting their own goals.  We’ve taught women how to  defer their power in the name of love.

But we were designed to discriminate. The power to choose is our birthright, and  we can’t choose without options.

Options allows us to hedge our bets. It gives us leverage, and enough emotional distance to discern the intentions of our men. It prevents us from wasting valuable  time with suitors who are unwilling, or incapable, of investing in us. Taking the time to choose gives us a chance to see if those enticing promises materialize, and to recognize the men who fake futures in order to get our presents, in the present.

It flips the script, giving us the means to act on our desire, rather than merely exist as the object of someone else’s.

And perhaps, the  best way to avoid being apart of a man’s harem, is to have one of your own.

xo,

Ayesha

PS: Every single woman has the unique ability to captivate and enthrall. Discover what makes you irresistible with my psychology-backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ quiz.

*Even today, human females have the most difficult parturition process. The 96 hours following the onset of contractions is the greatest mortality risk  a typical human will ever face.

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Beyonce’s Powerful Hidden Message to Womankind

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In the wee hours of a Sunday night, I found myself engaged in a heady Twitter exchange about whether superstar songstress Beyonce had either  evoked the orisha Oshun or the syncretized Virgin Guadalupe of Mexico.

I thought it was clear.

She had evoked both dieties– and more. I saw references to the Roman Venus, the Hindu  Kali Ma, and possibly the Egyptian  Isis.

Beyonce’s performance of motherhood, beginning with her decadent photo series (worthy of a wall at the MoMA) and culminating in her ten minute medly at the Grammy awards, had not been about honoring one particular diety– but rather using her global platform (and twin fetuses) to challenge modern notions of femininity and motherhood by conjuring the image of powerful creation deities that predate judeo-Christian culture.

Every goddess she called forth represented a unique message to womankind–it’s one of those many  instances in which her visual artistry is more significant than her actual song.

 

For some 25,000 years mankind honored women as the creators of life, primary providers of food, builders, artist ands, healers, priestesses and leaders. Across cultures, motherhood, above all, was perceived as nothing short of supernatural.

Feminine creativity, the power to manifest physical and psychic reality, is one of the Goddess’ primary aspects. People identified ‘the feminine’ as the source of all being–and as such, men and women in the early gynocentric societies tended to live in partnership, rather than domination.

Today, when we evoke cross-cultural images of the the Great Mother, as Beyonce has, it is not a cue to retreat to old ways, some romanticized, pastoral version of herstory.

The evocation of the divine feminine is a call for women to acknowledge their own sacred energy as a legitimate source of independent power. Reawakening the Cosmic Creatress on a global stage asks that we, as women, use our innate powers to take control of our destinies.

 I  invite you to explore her use of spiritual imagery as we unravel the her hidden messages to woman kind.

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Beyonce as The Virgin of Guadalupe

With the elaborate use of lighting optics and holograms, Beyonce, dressed as La Virgen in her signature gold spiked crown and mantle, appears and reappears on stage– a nod to the three apparitions of The Virgin Mary before Juan Diego, an essential aspect of La Virgen de Guadalupe’s legend.

La Virgen de Guadalupe is simultaneously a figure of religious reverence and cultural rebellion.

In 16th century Mexico, a  poor Aztec Indian named Juan Diego was said to be walking through the Tepayac hill country in central Mexico when he encountered a beautiful woman surrounded by a ball of light. Speaking in his native tongue, she identified herself as the Virgin Mary and asked that a church be built on the site. She appeared before him three times, asking that a chapel be built in her honor at that site.

Juan protested that no one would believe he’d seen her, so she pointed and suddenly among the cactus grew roses– the flower of the heart and of her love for humanity. Juan gathered the roses in his cloak and headed straight to the bishop. As he unrolled his garment, an image of the Virgin as a pregnant, dark skinned Indian woman appeared with stars on her cloak, a crown on her head, and rays of sun surrounding her.

Today Catholic scholars have openly doubted the historical existence of Juan Diego, but this we do know– following the Hernan Cortes’ conquest in 1521, a Mexican temple honoring the Aztec creation goddess Tonantzin was dismantled and replaced with a chapel honoring the Virgin Mary. In Mexico, this apparition was named La Virgen Maria de Guadalupe–and from the beginning she was a connection between their polytheistic, goddess past and their Christian future.

The Aztecs … had an elaborate, coherent symbolic system for making sense of their lives. When this was destroyed by the Spaniards, something new was needed to fill the void and make sense of New Spain … the image of Guadalupe served that purpose. -Patricia Harrington

 Many Aztecs continued their worship of creation goddess Tonantzin through La Virgen. Her belt is said to represent her pregnant state. Even her artistic rendering, always cast in the shape of a yoni, surrounded by roses and baby angels, suggests her fertility goddess origins.

Infused with a note of kisch (maybe even a nod to Kehinde Wiley) Beyonce references the La Virgen by draping herself in a blue-green mantle, and surrounding herself with roses, Guadalupe’s sacred flower– said to represent maternal love and fertility.

Surrounded by women who represent the cherub angels on one of the iconic renderings of La Virgen, they wear blue-green dresses, the color of her mantle, and dance atop a bed of roses, her sacred flower. They also, for a moment during Beyonce’s Grammy performance, evoke a powerful reference to The Last Supper.

La Virgen embodies unconditional motherly love, but more than anything she embodied refuge from colonial conquest– a means of honoring their original creation goddess under the guise of Christianity. Newly converted natives continued to come from afar to worship there, often addressing the Virgin Mary as Tonantzin.

Her blue-green mantle was the color reserved for the divine couple Ometecuhtli and Omecihuatl that represented the dual cosmic energies, and her belt is interpreted as a sign of pregnancy. La Virgen was called “mother of maguey (the aloe plant) and the source of the sacred beverage polque, also known as “the milk of the Virgin”. Even the rays of light that surround her image are said to represent the spines on the maguey plant.

This is why Beyonce’s choice to represent her is fascinating. The singer is deliberately blurs the line between the Christianity and gynocentric spirituality. As such, she reminds that our goddess past is ever present, still influencing the way we worship and connect today.  She directs our attention to a time prior to the ascent of patriarchal  judeo-christian religion, when the divine feminine served as a projection of our power as women to create, transform and manifest physical and psychic reality.

The Message: Patriarchal society elevates the concept of feminine chastity as a means of punishing women for their sensuality and encouraging them to suppress this creative, magnetic,  life-affirming power. This wide-spread suppression of our erotic instincts is not only confusing to women, but detrimental to our relationships, our spiritual and mental well-being.  Our ability to manifest anything we want is nothing short of miraculous. Honor it. 

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Beyonce as Oshun

 

Beyonce evokes the Yoruban goddess Oshun by wearing her signature color yellow and gold jewelry. The deity reins over the sweet (fresh) waters, hence the billowing effect of her cape.Beyonce’s  african jewelry serves to further emphasize her reference to African spirituality.

An archetypal symbol for the feminine principle, Oshun reins over the  sweet waters (fresh water)  and the realms of sensuality, creativity and abundance. In Beyonce’s recent body of work, Oshun is a well-known artistic reference to West African matriarchal iconography.
Ochun represents the creative and procreative force that exists in all women, the passionate, erotic energy that can be channeled into the creation of  new art, new life, or even a new reality. This life force has  many names in eastern philosophy, from shakti to kundalini, but most notably, it is the one powerful aspect of femininity that patriarchy attempts to suppress, opting instead to subject women to the contrived virgin/whore binary, both of which deprive women of their instinctive powers.

 Sensuality, creativity and abundance are the gifts of Oshun.

Standing on the stage adorned as Oshun, in gold jewelry that adorns her enchanting, pregnant body– Beyonce represents two realms of womanhood that are traditionally kept apart– woman as mother, and woman as lover. All too often our society attempts to reduce womankind, in all of our manifestation power, to vessels of life  and pleasure. In a sense, we are laborers– our bodies designated to deliver life and to deliver pleasure– in both  instances, our bodies are at work for others.
The fascinating aspect of Oshun, and all of the creation/love deities like her, is that she embraces pleasure for the sake of pleasure. When we engage in ‘self-care’  we activate our own inner Oshun. She walks around with a honey pot tied around her waist, this nectar symbolic of both sexual release, and her own inner contentment.

In this image, Beyonce evokes the orisha along with her mother and daughter. She is simultaneously referencing the powerful mother/maiden/crohn trinity that predates modern religion.

In myth, Oshun seduces out of fullness. She transforms the lives of those around her by ‘sharing’ the sensual, abundant energy she carries within. Hence her gifts to civilization, are music, dance, art, poetry, and the passion that ultimately spawns new life.
When we talk about empowering women, so often we do so in within the context of denying our sensuality– not wanting to be seen as vessels of  erotic energy. Sensuality carries a distincitly negative connotation in patriarchal society–there are women who can not imagine connecting to their body if it isn’t in the context of making babies or pleasing a man. What else can we expect in a culture that exalts above all else, a virgin birth?
A critical aspect of our empowerment is acknowledging and owning this  creative life force; the Oshun, within us. We all have access to this mysterious and magnetic energy; some of us are overwhelmed by it, and others suppress it, but we all have access to this creative energy that mankind has exalted for years—and we can use it to heal, transform, and take charge of our personal and sexual destinies.
The Message: In order to give pleasure, one must know pleasure. Keep your ‘honey-pots’ full. Your pleasure is a privilege for yourself and a gift to others. 

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Beyonce As Venus

Having emerged from the sea a fully developed woman, Venus, like her Greek counterpart Aphrodite, is the goddess of passion, eroticism, and creative force. She is  goddess of the waters, the source of life and the element linked with emotions. Like women, water has the capacity slake, transform and destroy. She represents the transformative power of love and sexuality, and our capacity to grow through joy and pleasure.

Often portrayed in the nude, bathing or wringing her hair after emerging from the sea, her exposure lacks of self-consciousnessness– much like Beyonce, who stood before the world, ripe in her womanhood, and exuded total and utter confidence in her body. When we as women connect to the Venus in us, we experience a lightness of being. When we are passionately involved with a project or a partner, Venus moves through us.

In this image of a reclining Beyonce, she still incorporates Mexican influences, and the gold of Oshun, but also poses like the Renaissance depictions of the Roman goddess Venus.

A depiction of Aphrodite (the Greek equivalent of Venus) with her son Eros. Aphrodite/ Venus is often portrayed reclining.

Venus is said to have risen from the sea, fully formed. Water is a powerful metaphor for feminine power– representing our capacity to slake and destroy.

Roman theology casts  Venus as the yielding, fluid female principle, not unlike the chinese concept of tao, which is essential to the balance of dual cosmic energies. She tempers the masculine and can bestow abundant gifts of military victory, sexual success, good fortune and prosperity.

Sandro Botticelli’s famous ‘Birth of Venus’.
Beyonce, recreating the classic Birth of Venus while incorporating Egyptian imagery and Oshun’s golden yellow.

The message: Our society leads women to live in their heads, but sensuality happens when we connect to our bodies whether it be through dance, massage, or even sex– and we own every inch of our splendor. Contemporary images of beauty are designed to induce ‘longing’– beauty as we know it is a product of commercial culture. Real beauty happens when we ‘altar’ ourselves–even if not on the world stage–at least in front of the bathroom mirror. In an eros-phobic culture, self-admiration is considered vanity, but in actuality it is one of the gateways to feminine power.

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Goddess Tripping Into the Future

When we reclaim the divine feminine, we acknowledge our goddess past. This is not an act of worshipping or even longing for an entity without, rather, it is about acknowledging something sacred within.  As we goddess-trip deeper into the 21st century,with all the unique challenges and opportunities it will present woman kind,  we must recognize that the  sheroic qualities humans worshipped for the better part of history are not fantasy– they are in us. We are vessels of deep love, pleasure, creativity, knowing, and miraculous healing energy. We have the capacity to heal ourselves, to heal our world, to transform any condition, and to create any reality. We. Are. Magic.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

PS: The shadows of these great goddesses continue to exert their pull on womankind today through the force of psychological archetypes. Discover the 7 feminine archetypes that underscore your life story, or take a free quiz to uncover the captivation ‘goddesses’ within you.

The “Goddess Complex” aka How to Play Games You Can’t Lose

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“Do whatever it takes. This is a hustle.”

I’ll never forget the woman who christened my TV career with those frank words of wisdom. She was the head of on-air talent at NBC Universal– the woman responsible for turning the likes of Tamron Hall and Brian Williams into household names–and I was a plucky 21 year old who’d talked my way into the C-suite of  30 Rockefeller Plaza.

I sat breathlessly as she watched my demo tape–  a bootleg collection of fake news reports I cobbled together as a summer intern, in hopes that someone  might catch  a  glimmer of star quality in a girl with big hair and a mild speech impediment.

Her feedback was blunt. She told me I was green  (the industry euphemism for terrible) and headed straight for a world of rejection.

And then she swiveled in her chair, looked me dead in the eye, and promised me I would make it.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

I did. I became a local news reporter three months after graduation and I owe it all to her.

I wish I could say she placed a high-level phone call, right then and there, on my behalf. I had no such luck.

The only thing  she did was tell me I would make it— and I believed her.

Armed with the belief  that success was inevitable, even if not immediate, I became fearless. The deluge of rejections I received from news directors around the country never fazed me. I ignored the ‘grown-ups’ who told me I was being unrealistic.

Instead,  I used my graduation money to fly to a media conference in  Chicago where, dressed in my very best pantsuit, I handed those terrible tapes to anyone who’d have them. That is how I met my first boss– the woman who put me on air.

And at the tender age of 22, I had learned the lesson of a lifetime .

Fulfilling our desires has little to do with preternatural talent, beauty or luck and everything to do with adopting this mindset:

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Winners win because they expect to win. 

How to Play Games You Can’t Lose

We have little control over how the events of our life unfold, but we do control our interpretation and response.

When we  play games we can’t lose, we  expect to win– and every event that occurs, whether positive or negative, is simply working to move us forward. In this playbook, failure doesn’t exist. Neither does fear.

This is the attitude that separates the creme from the crop.

Most people are primed, beginning in childhood, to view failure as fatal. Failure is perceived as some sort of  moral shortcoming, a blemish on our character, or even karma’s bitchy wrath. It means we did wrong. We are flawed.  It checks our faith and brings forth our deepest insecurities. Failure is uncomfortable and as such, we resist at all costs.

In our attempts to curb failure, we play small. We avoid the bold risks  that lead to real change. We end up lusting for things instead of really activating the faith it takes to attain them.

Even worse, when people sense our fear of failure, they take our power.

When a man senses you are afraid to lose him, he loses the incentive to demonstrate his commitment. A boss that knows you are afraid to exercise your options, has little incentive to promote  your talent. A client who senses you need their business  has no incentive to pay you your worth.

A New Definition of Success

We often define success so narrowly that we practically guarantee a loss.

When life gets tricky, we lose sight of the big picture and become obsessed with individual outcomes. We get wrapped up in winning over one particular man when the ultimate goal is deep, committed love. We give up after one failed business venture when the ultimate goal is economic independence.  We rue over one failed  ‘vegan challenge’ when the ultimate goal is simply a tighter tummy or better health. 

We forget that ‘failure’ is merely feedback, and a signal to move forward, perhaps via a different road. Instead, so many stop just short of their destiny, derailed by the inevitable twists and turns of the journey.

When you surrender to the process, when you demonstrate the radical trust of which all women are enormously capable, that is when you  begin to play games you absolutely can not lose.

How to Slay On and Off the Court

“I just never give up. I fight to the end. You can’t go out and say, ‘I want a bag of never-say-die spirit.’ It’s not for sale. It has to be innate.” -Serena Williams

When I think of women who play games they can’t lose– I think of Serena Williams. (Though every woman on my G.O.A.T. list qualifies.)

With 23 grand slams under her belt, this is a woman who knows how to win. Her entire career has been built on defying expectations. She shrugged of those who ridiculed her muscles and her curves. She ignored those who doubted she could prevail well into her thirties. She even ignored those who labeled her confidence, arrogance.

And that’s not even taking into account her wins off the court– her  romantic hit list is a sampling of Hollywoods most notorious–and enticing– bachelors.

That’s why people were shocked  when she announced her engagement to Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian. She’d kept the relationship under wraps (smart woman) and few even knew they were dating. In fact, the gossip blogs, for years, had been playing a game of ‘Guess-Which-Ex’ — as early as a month prior to her engagement announcement, rumors swirled that she’d reconciled with her long time romance, hip-hop heartthrob Common.

But women like Serena don’t make u-turns.

On and off the court, she doesn’t lose sight of her ultimate goal. She plays to win. And she has never allowed anyone– no man ( no matter how intoxicating), critic or  opponent, to derail her .

This is what I call the “goddess complex”, an unshakeable belief in oneself that unlike the pseudo-psychological “god complex”, is rooted in healthy self-awareness.

How to Win… in Love

As women living in a society where rules of the game were largely established by men for the benefit of men, it is imperative that we bring this “goddess complex” in to the realm of love.

One of my favorite sayings is “people enter your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime”.

For me, growing up meant learning to tell the difference.

It’s easy, during the initial stages of romance, to fantasize about a lifetime of happiness with the interesting man sitting across from you at dinner– but that’s a slippery slope.

Every man we encounter on this journey to deep, lasting, spirit-based intimacy is not meant to be a soulmate.

Some men come into our lives bringing pleasure. Some men bring us wisdom. Some relationships, even those that end in heartbreak, bring us greater inner-strength and self-awareness. You may meet men who introduce you to new experiences, new people, or challenge you in exciting ways. You may meet game-changing men who bring you deeper into the depths of intimacy. Some men are in fact in your life soley to prepare you for the real love you seek.

We run into trouble when we try to make seasonal men the love of a lifetime. Not only do we sabotage our chances of encountering the real love we crave– we often overlook the ‘gift’ of the liaison.

All love begins with authenticity and intention.  Honor your authenticity. Set you intention. And then surrender, completely,  to the process. This is the only way to truly enjoy men, and lets face it, romance should be about pleasure.

The irony  is that the more we are capable of loving with a light touch, the more the men in our lives crave being near us.

By raising our expectation, we raise our vibration and our energy shifts in palpable ways.

You develop something greater than courage and confidence– you  develop conviction, the sense that nothing can stand between you and your destiny. You stop operating from a place of fear– and start acting from a place of love, deep self love. This changes the power dynamic in every relationship. You begin to attract the people and opportunities that are aligned with your best interests.

When you expect to win– you literally change the game.

How to Adopt a “Goddess Complex” in 3 Minutes or Less

It’s no secret that most people live their lives avoiding failure, and yet find it at every corner.

You can forever shift  this  power dynamic by  shifting  your mindset. In fact, by the time you finish reading this passage you will have adopted what I call a “goddess complex”.

Unbeknownst to you, you probably already have a “Goddess complex”, but only in certain situations.

Like driving.

Driving is as liberating as it is dangerous. Every time you get behind the wheel there are a number of potentially fatal events that can happen.  And yet, every day, we pile into the drivers seat and push the gas.

As we head for our destination there are red lights, traffic snarls, detours, tolls, accidents, slow pedestrians, fender benders and bouts of road rage– and yet none of these occurrences, aside from complete catastrophe,  deter us from arriving at our destination.

Why?

Because we totally expect to arrive.  If we, for a moment truly doubted our ability to arrive safely, we wouldn’t drive in the first place. We’d be too scared!

But  society doesn’t condition us to fear driving. Society conditions us to fear the big stuff– like romantic rejection, starting anew, or pursuing our wildest dreams.

But these destinations are no different than those on the map. When you drive, the only thing that matters is that you know where you’re going and you trust that you’ll arrive.

The same principle applies to everything thing else you desire in life.

One Final Note

Women at the top of their game succeed because failure is NOT in their playbook.

Think about your greatest desires– not those that have been chosen for you. Not the dreams you feel you should have. Consider the visions  you have for your life that speak to your spirit.

Remember this, so long as you are willing to play the game all the way to the end– you can not fail.

No one and nothing can stand between you and destiny.

So love like a goddess. Work like a goddess. Live like a goddess.

You are indomitable. The world is yours for the taking.

With persistence and power,

Ayesha

The whole world steps aside for the woman who knows where she is going…

Your Dark Side: ‘Shadow’ Aspects of the 7 Feminine Archetypes

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Where there is light, there is shadow… and where there is shadow, there must be light.

If there is one central psychological paradox that flummoxes most humans, it is this: our greatest virtues and our worst flaws are inextricably connected. They are two sides of the same coin.

Archetypes are universal images that according to psychologist Carl Jung, form the basis of all our instinctive, unlearned behavior.  As you’ll discover below, every archetype has positive and negative traits . These negative aspects, the “shadows” of our persona represent emotional blindspots– they are our excess baggage, the passions and tendencies by which we self-sabotage.

Following my written work on the 7 feminine archetypes and the personality assessment, I began receiving letters from women all over the world who felt that their “shadows” kept showing up uninvited, like reckless party crashers,  and were preventing them from achieving their personal and romantic goals. With that in mind, I penned this explanation of the 7 feminine archetypes and their shadows  in order to help women recognize the source of their darker side.

The goal is not to escape your darkness. You can’t.

True to form the shadow is always with us. It is an inescapable extension of our light. You can not choose what archetypes show up in your life and instinctively “demand their due”, but armed with information, you do get to choose how you act on them.

Most of us will spend  a lifetime trying to minimize, or hide, our darker qualities from the world. We show up for dates and job interviews  desperately trying to be someone else. We wear masks. We develop defense mechanisms and enter perennial states of denial. We fear that these flaws make us unlovable, failures even, when in reality, your flaws make you you.  

You are your darkness and your light. You are both sides of Janus. Your shadows emerge in instances of extreme polarity– when your virtues run amok, unchecked by balancing qualities. This is how creative passion can torpedo into destructive rage, or how  healthy ambition can devolve into crippling perfectionism.

Personal power is being able to choose between dwelling in darkness and dancing in light.

The Sage

The Sage's shadow in film: Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada. Loosely based on the real-life editor of Vogue magazine, Priestly’s strategic alliances in the fashion industry and no-nonsense attitude allow her to thrive in a ruthlessly competitive industry. Her over identification with the sage make her a cruel boss and insensitive companion.
The Sage’s shadow in film: Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada. Loosely based on the real-life editor of Vogue magazine, Priestly’s strategic alliances in the fashion industry and no-nonsense attitude allow her to thrive in a ruthlessly competitive industry. Her over identification with the sage make her a cruel boss and insensitive companion.

Like the ancient Sumerian goddess Inanna, a woman that identifies with the sage archetype is  driven by the pursuit of knowledge and proximity to power. She is equally at home in her feminine anima and masculine animus— hence, more than other feminine archetypes,  she is likely to enjoy being in the midst of male action and power. The sage archetype is proof that pragmatic, powerful women are not acting like men— rather, they are embodying feminine power, as the strategic, wise sage archetype is a reoccurring figure throughout human history. Among her virtues are strategy, discipline and emotional objectivity.

In the shadow, the sage woman so identifies with her masculine animus that she comes to protect patriarchy and misogyny. She resents women who express their own sexual agency, and she even  suppresses the creative and feminine aspects of herself. Many sage women struggle with vulnerability, emotional and sexual expression.  In the shadow, the sage uses her emotional distance as armor  and struggles to empathize and form genuine relationships. This may manifest as stalled or strained with relationships with lovers, friends, and even children.  She may be destructively competitive, obsessed with perfection, judgmental and potentially cruel to other women.

 

The Huntress

The Huntress' shadow in film: Lisbeth Salander, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The survivor of a traumatic childhood, Salander is an androgynous, introverted and asocial computer hacker with a sadistic appetite for vengeance. She has difficulty emotionally connecting to people and making friends and is content to live in isolation.
The Huntress’ shadow in film: Lisbeth Salander, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The survivor of a traumatic childhood, Salander is an androgynous, introverted and asocial computer hacker with a sadistic appetite for vengeance. She has difficulty emotionally connecting to people and making friends and is content to live in isolation.

Independence is the huntress’ hallmark, and it may take multiple forms— she may strive for financial and emotional independence, or even personal freedom from popular ideas, modes of behavior and trends. She is her own person, and this self-possession is a virtue. Like the sage, the huntress thrives at execution and emotional objectivity. Unlike the sage, she is fundamentally opposed to patriarchy. She is a vessel of ‘feminine passion’ that may present as a competitive spirit, athleticism, robust sexuality or even a willingness to ardently champion causes that are close to her heart. She is self-sufficient, bold, courageous, adventurous— she embodies action. The huntress makes her life happen.

Over identification with the Huntress brings about her shadow. In this state a woman desperately avoids expressing any form of vulnerability. This emotional independence can be absolutely enthralling to men at first (see the coquette) but in the absence of any emotional capitulation, the Huntress-driven women will struggle with intimacy, and encounter men who regard her sole as a  ‘sister’. Coquettes (dominant Huntress) are some of the most seductive women on the planet, but they  are not maestra’s of withholding emotional gratification— they are simply experts at delaying it!

In the shadow, the Huntress’ passion transforms into rage, and a woman who experiences this aspect of the archetype may be subject to bouts of cruelty, uncontrollable anger, and vengefulness. Working in the light, a huntress may turn apoplectic over a perceived injustice, but she quickly channeled her anger into positive action. In the shadow , this anger doesn’t serve a higher purpose— it manifests as desultory rage.  Her healthy competitive spirit, in the shadow, exists as a need to win at all costs, which can also drive her towards destructive aggression.

 

The Mystic

The Shadow in Film: Abby and Martha Brewster, Arsenic & Old Lace. In this 1944 dark comedy, two elderly sisters are homebodies who have developed the “very bad habit” of ending the presumed suffering of lonely old bachelors by serving them elderberry wine laced with arsenic. In this case, the two sisters value home life and solitude, but they are so anti-social and out of touch with human feelings that they display psychopathic behavior.
The mystic’s shadow in film: Abby and Martha Brewster, Arsenic & Old Lace. In this 1944 dark comedy, two elderly sisters are homebodies develop the “very bad habit” of ending the presumed suffering of lonely old bachelors by serving them elderberry wine laced with arsenic. The sisters value home life and solitude, but they are so anti-social and out of touch with human feelings that  turn to psychopathic behavior.

In a world brimming with distraction, the mystic strives for inner-peace. Where as the sage and huntress are motivated by external goals, the mystic is motivated by personal fulfillment. Her  quiet beatitude and extreme self-possession are her shining qualities. Her identity is not based on external qualifiers, like recognition or reputation, rather  her personal sense of completeness.   Operating in the positive realm, Mystic women are wise, and capable of seeing the sacred in the mundane. They have a talent for transforming a house into a home, and find fulfillment in acts of service.  She is patient, a wonderful listener, and devoted to any task she endeavors. Uneasily shaken by life’s travails her soulful presence feels like home.

When a woman is operating in the Mystic’s shadow, she becomes so introverted and internally focused that she is incapable of intimacy and emotional expression. Even when she genuinely cares for a person, she will struggle to demonstrate her regard, thus putting strain on the relationships she holds dear. A mystic woman may appear remarkably cold, frigid and unmoved. She can be so adept at feeling at home within her self that becomes a prisoner in her own body, unable to escape the internal focus and embrace the people and experiences about her. She may  lack assertiveness and be all thought–no action.

 

The Queen

The Shadow in Film: Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest. Faye Dunaway portrays the legendary actress in this biographical drama that portray’s Crawford’s abusive relationship with her daughter. In the movie she is is a driven actress and compulsively clean housekeeper who tries to control the lives of those around her as tightly as she controls herself.
The queen’s  shadow in film: Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest. Faye Dunaway portrays the legendary actress in this biographical drama based on Crawford’s abusive relationship with her daughter. Crawford is depicted as a driven actress and compulsive housekeeper who tries to control the lives of those around her as tightly as she controls herself.

At the most basic level, the queen archetype represents  a woman’s yearning to be a wife. Queens uphold the sanctity and integrity of marriage as an institution in contemporary society, but to limit her virtues to the uxorial would mean reducing her identity to a mere creation of patriarchy. The queen is so much more than that. Among her most apparent strengths are loyalty, commitment, emotional resillience and the almost magical potential to divine a man’s potential. Queens, perhaps better than any other archetype, can help a man shape his hopes and dreams into reality.

On a deeper level, the queen represents feminine power and our unique capacity for conscious leadership. When women marry  the feminine principal and power, the outcome is remarkable. Women are capable of leading in a way that sustains  life, creativity and conservation. Queen women are natural born leaders, though not solely  in the  boardroom. Her leadership skills may be put to good use within the home, her community or within her social circle. Queen women who embody the ‘light’ of their archetype excercise their power in yin ways.  She resorts to charm, persuasion and diplomacy— soft power tactics– rather than coercision. Similar to the way a queen moves in any direction on a chessboard, queen leadership is soft, diffuse—- difficult to block and difficult to see coming. Many of the world’s great feminine leaders identify strongly with the positive aspects of this archetype.

When a woman is operating in the queen’s shadow, she aspires to a position of power, but at the expense and to the detriment of others. Shadow queens can be judgmental, shallow, image-conscious, jealous and horribly vindictive. When queens experience pain or a personal slight, their anger turns to uncontrollable rage. Operating in the shadow, queens are driven towards revenge, even if it means the destruction of every thing around them. As wives, queen women who overly identify with the archetype will struggle with personal boundaries and sexual agency. She is likely to view sex as  a wifely duty rather than as a pleasurable experience for herself. She may value her queen position so much that she is terribly jealous of any woman she perceives as a threat.  In the shadow, queens lose their identity in relationships and feel compelled to stay in troubled, even abusive situations for the sake of commitment.

 

The Mother

stella-dallas-1937-poster-1
The mother’s shadow in film: Stella Martin, Stella Dallas. Stella, the daughter of a mill worker in a post-World War I Massachusetts factory town, is determined to better herself. She marries a wealthy mill executive and the two have a daughter, Laurel. Stella discovers that she strongly identifies with maternal instinct and becomes singularly obsessed with the rearing of her daughter, to the detriment of her marriage and her new upscale life.

The mother archetype represents a woman’s maternal instinct and predisposes a woman to assume the role of nurturer and caretaker in her relationships. In the light, these women are rooted, down-to-earth, and natural providers of emotional and physical sustenance. They are extraverted, principled and they give of themselves generously. Think of the “office mom” who always remembers her co-worker’s birthdays, or the friend who makes sure that everyone is okay during a night out. Mother women feel a strong call to actual motherhood, but they ‘mother’ in all aspects of their lives. This process of protecting, supporting and honoroing the individuality in others is a shining virtue, though our society often overlooks its value. Mother women are often described as warm, inviting and authentic. They are responsible, stable, and naturally make people feel comfortable around them.

In the shadow, this same archetype compels a woman to feel possessive, forming her identity so concretely around her role of caretaker that she becomes terrified of losing her literal or symbolic ‘children’. This may present as the over-controlling mother who resents her child’s burgeoning independence, or even the over-bearing friend. When faced with abandonment, a dark mother may do anything to maintain the umbilical chord, including manipulation.

In the shadow, this archetype struggles with exercising her sexual agency and personal boundaries. When overwhelmed by the archetype, she struggles to say ‘no’, often giving of herself to the point of resentment. The shadow mother feels devastated when relationships end and is preoccupied with fears of abandonment. She needs to be needed. She tells herself that others can’t live without her, but really she can’t live without them.

The Maiden

The Shadow In Film: Cher Horowitz, Clueless. Cher is the selfish, vain, and superficial daughter of a wealthy Beverly Hills attorney whose only direction in life is "toward the mall”. A series of mishaps compels her to reflects on her priorities and her repeated failures to understand or appreciate the people in her life.
The maiden’s shadow in film: Cher Horowitz, Clueless. Cher is the selfish, vain, and superficial daughter of a wealthy Beverly Hills attorney whose only direction in life is “towards the mall”. A series of mishaps compels her to reflects on her priorities and her repeated failures to understand or appreciate the people in her life.

Of all the archetypes, the maiden woman is most inclined not to act, but to be acted on. The archetypal young woman, maidens have extreme depth but they often have to mature before they can experience the full potential of their archetype.  Her personal journey mirrors that of the greek goddess Persephone. Persephone,  the sheltered daughter of Demeter is abducted by Hades, God of the underworld. She ultimately marries Hades and becomes Queen of the underworld, dividing her time above and below ground.  This existance above and below ground represents the literal split between ego and subconscious, naif and crohn.  The maiden is a pure child and wise-woman all in one, and she will usually spend the better part of her young adulthood learning to integrate her two natures.

Among her virtues are a life-long effervescence—even when the maiden ages, there is something youthful and ebullient about her spirt.  She is receptive, compassionate and a natural empath.  She is highly creative, intuitive and able to divine the deeper, spiritual meanings of life’s events. Working in her light, her openess gives her tremendous power. She has the ability to lower defenses, with her unselfconcious charm, thus making her naturally, and quite powerfully seductive.

In the shadow, maidens have yet to fully reach their queen state. They are stuck in their Kore (child-like) state, and thus are drawn to codependent relationships, much like the one between Demeter (the mother) and Persephone. She is excessively compliant, lacks personal boundaries, and may lead a Peter-Pan like existence— that is an extended adolescence where she is waiting for something to happen to her life. The maiden’s shadow prevents her from taking deliberate actions and making empowered decisions that move her life forward. Undeveloped maidens lack direction and often feel paralyzed by fear of commitment.

Maidens may feel drawn to abusive relationships that further reinforce her co-dependent natures. Maidens are highly supsceptible to periods of darkness and depression. They may also behave erratically and rebelliously, like a troubled teen. This is  another aspect of  being locked in a child-like state. In this case she may break rules and social norms, take destructive risks, and manipulte those around her.

The Lover

The lover’s shadow in film: Brandi, A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Brandi plays a beautiful, enticing lover who, once jilted by a soon-to-be-married man,  will do anything to exact revenge. Brandi demonstrates the lover’s potential to be consumed by passion, and the humiliating lengths such a woman might venture for a hint of emotional reciprocity. In the shadow, lover women are vulnerable to accepting “crumbs” from a man they desire, and may stay in terrible relationships for long periods of time just to protect their fragile vanity. 

 

The lover is the most instinctive feminine archetype because it represents the erotic impulse that inspires procreation. The lover archetype endows a woman with a highly charged magnetic energy that empowers her to create, transform, and attract. It is a divine spark. As I’ve written about before, this primordial energy is accessible to all women, even those who are not governed by the archetype. It is the energy that emerges whenever we feel creatively inspired or intimately aroused. The entire process of falling in love, or even in lust, is ruled by this archetype.

Women influenced by the lover, like the Greek goddess Aphrodite, are firmly rooted in their sensuality. More than any other archetype, they  possess sexual agency— that is the ability to take pleasure in sensual experiences. Lover women can be delightfully spontaneous, charming,  and  excel at different forms of  creative expression. Lover women thrive on connection, her presence adds vitality and emotionality to relationships— however, unlike the mother, queen and maiden, she doesn’t define herself based on her relationships. She is her own person, and has no problem putting her needs first. Self-care is her domain.

In the shadow, the lover loses her self-sufficiency, and comes to rely solely on her connection with others for validation. In this vein, she may feel irreparably wounded following a heart break, or she may even behave like a ‘drama’ queen, courting attention in anyway  possible just to feel a connection with others. Working in the negative, lover women can be vain, irresponsible, noncommittal, narcissistic, and drawn to emotionally lopsided relationships with complex men.   The lover’s  creative passion can overwhelm her,  causing her to fall in love hard and fast, without the emotional objectivity required to make mature decisions. Their fragile egos also cloud their better judgment.

Such a woman may leave a string of bad romances and unfinished projects (projects she fell in and out of love with) in her wake.  She may act tempestuously, a slave to her emotions, rather than as bold siren who can confidently move between the depths and air.

For a better understanding of the archetypes shaping your life, take my one-of-a-kind 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ questionnaire. Your results will provide a snapshot of the dominant archetypes that are currently shaping your life, and lead you to your ‘seduction archetype‘ which represents the unique way that you captivate.

With love and light,

Ayesha

The Art of Seduction: 3 Tactics Every Woman Should Know (Part I)

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What an Exclusive Pop-Up Party Taught Me About Seduction

When I received a simple invitation to Le Diner en Blanc via text, I had one hand on my laptop, the other on a fork, and my mind completely in the clouds. That is to say, when I absentmindedly agreed, I had no idea what I was in for.

Typically all-white parties elicit a  heavy sigh punctuated by an exasperated eye roll. I live in black and balk at all things cliche– but this was not your  average white party, I’d soon discover from the friend inviting me, a fellow Aphrodite I had met a week prior while teetering and tippling on a rooftop– Le Diner en Blanc is an international phenomena where from city to city, a select group of people gather at a surprise location to break bread with friends.

With one catch.

You bring your own bread to break– and flowers, tableware, stemware, candles and chairs.  And the table.
You must even bring the table. 

A week later, as I schlepped from Brooklyn to Manhattan, following my group guide to an undisclosed location while hauling lukewarm food, decor and a bouquet of exasperated lilies through the rusty turnstiles of  an underground maze, I could not fathom why anyone would endure all of this hassle for an outing in the city that never sleeps. Who wants to attend a dinner party where you are obligated to bring both the dinner and the party?

As it turns out, many.

The woman next to me on the subway, her white folding chairs  and my bags making love, finally scored an invite after four years. In New York City, there is a waiting list 40,000 people long.

The epiphany finally struck just as the sun retreated behind a coral horizon, and a profusion of  white cotton,  plumes and parasols descended upon Battery Park’s waterfront as if it were the Kabba. From our respective corners of the city, we’d been happily lead on a journey to the unknown, baited with the promise of mystery  and pursuit of pleasure. This was a text book seduction, and true to form, the experience defied logic. That was the point. This wasn’t supposed to make sense.

Seduction Tactic No. 1….

As a species, we relish in our rationalism, in our cognitive faculty, but under the spell of enchantment, humans behave in peculiar ways. We follow charismatic leaders even when they lead us to destruction. We buy items we don’t need because just they make us feel good. And we fall in crazy, stupid, ridiculous love… sometimes, with crazy, stupid,  ridiculous people.

The latin root seducere literally means to “lead astray”, and whether we are lead to a mountain top or over a cliff, the journey is always pleasurable. Seduction taps into our most primal longings and it just so happens that this exclusive pop-up party exploits the  three basic truths that make seduction possible.

Inspired my experience, I decided to use Le Diner as a case study from which to explore these three truths, or principles. Any woman who can understand and master these three seduction principles will have the upper hand in all of her relationships.

But first…

Do you want to know a secret?

Of course you do. We all do.

Take any title and add in the word ‘secret’ and it becomes infinitely more enticing. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. The Secret Life of Bees. The Secret. Victoria’s Secret…Catch my drift?

Fast-talking con artists present secret opportunities to their unwitting victims. Gurus claim to have secret, mystical knowledge. And during the slowest of news cycles, newsrooms can always cash in on  a juicy expose.

And this is the first principle of seduction… Few people can resist a secret.

Harness the Power of a Secret

Secrets are a hidden addiction because most humans are bound to their insatiable curiosity. Psychologists believe that our curiosity drive is just as powerful as our desire to eat and drink.

Curiosity is the invisible force that draws us closer to window displays, magazines stands, or the intriguing stranger across the street.Curiosity — a state of active interest or wanting to know more about something — creates a willingness to embark in the unfamiliar. It  lays the groundwork for transportive experience.

Ultimately, seduction is the fine art of inciting curiosity and prolonging anticipation.

“I love this part” my friend whispered conspiratorially on the subway as we sat shoulder to shoulder with our fellow group members. “This is the part where everyone looks and asks us where we are going.”

Of course, we didn’t know. Le Diner is ensconced in mystery, from the last minute location reveal, to the elusive process of scoring an invite, the entire event is meant to seem like a swift passing cloud. They came. They dined. They left. And that is a huge part of its appeal.

Suspense authors are masters at exploiting our need-to-know. First, they ensnare readers with a rapid-fire hook that places a likable protagonist in immediate danger, and then they concoct a series of obstacles and challenges that  make us worry about the hero’s fate until the very end. This is  the formula for an irresistible story–  but people can master this game too.

First, Incite Curiosity…

We are captivated by  things that cannot be immediately understood.

Sometimes, this is a striking appearance.  Having long surmised man’s weakness for the visual, for thousands of years women have used cosmetics and  artifice to cultivate a distinguishing  look. This achievement in innovation is far less attributable to natural beauty than a sheer willingness to stand out. Beauty is, as Oscar Wilde would say, “a form of genius”.

Dita Von Teese’s alabaster skin and  jet-black hair is as arresting as naked, snowcapped trees. Halle Berry’s career launched when she cut her locks into a short pixie; Lucille Ball’s when she colored  her natural blonde hair red.

Legendary courtesan Cora Pearl, once known as both “the scandal and the toast of Paris”, intentionally dressed to provoke shock and awe. In Victorian France, when most women were confined to the boudoir,  Pearl could be found exiting her stage coach in blue hair, a blue dress, and a dog with fur dyed blue to match. She was the precursor to contemporary celebrities like Lady Gaga and Bjork who have also leveraged the power of curiosity for fame.

No romantic seduction can commence without first initiating this kind of visual intrigue. A distinguishing look attracts the eye and inspires boundless curiosity because female beauty is ambiguous. It is indefinable. Red lips, wavy hair, kohl-lined eyes– none of it  has meaning. When we adorn ourselves by covering the  body in artifice, we become the secret.

Chantal Thomas, queen of french lingerie insists women “hide to show better” and who can disagree with the titillating power of a back-seamed stocking or a touch of lace. Much of what we consider glamorous style serves this precise purpose. Dark glasses, a cinched trench coat– they all heighten allure because they hide part of the woman.

The hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding from you.-Roland Barthus, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments

Taking this into consideration, we must revise our modern concept of beauty. Beauty rituals are not a means of altering nature, but rather altar-ing her. We wrap ourselves in signs— cosmetics and artifice, not to conform, but in order to transform the natural into the sublime. It is only in a patriarchal context that we interpret the pursuit beauty as a means of erasure— a means of becoming more like we ought to be.

…Then Embrace Paradox

When an object or person defies expectation, we pay attention. In psychology, the phenomenon is called the expectation violations theory and it relates to our primitive need to evaluate unusual signals as either a threat or a positive event.  Accordingly, humans who contradict expectations elicit more than a fleeting thought. We remember them, and sometimes think of them in their absence.

grace-kelly-rear-windowKnown as The Master of Suspense, film director Alfred Hitchcock  employed this principle to throw his audience. He refused to cast Hollywood bomb-shells like Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield as femme fatales because  he considered their sexuality  to be too overt. Instead, he would cast a patrician blonde, like Grace Kelly,  with a  cool, buttoned-up, aloof demeanor. This way, when his icy heroine displayed her true passion,  it came as shock to men both on and off screen.

From John F. Kennedy to Idris Elba, the most virile, seductive men often possess just a touch of the feminine. Some of the greatest sirens owe their enigma to paradox: Marilyn (Ingenue) was both sensual and innocent. Salome (Boss)  was cerebral yet intensely erotic. British singer Sade (Goddess) is down-to-earth yet distant.

Take advantage of seductive paradox by considering the  dynamic interplay of your two or three dominant archetypes— how might they work together to create intrigue? How can you dramatize your primary archetype enough such that when your secondary reveals itself, like a Hitchcock blonde, it comes as a pleasant surprise?

…and Maintain the Mystery

Even once we’ve cultivated a seductive look and persona, curiosity must remain a constant. Seduction is, after all, the act of inciting and sustaining this state of wonder. Here is where the old adage, “leave something to the imagination” applies. This is not a matter of hiding who you are, or worse, pretending to be someone you are not. It is exposing just enough to heighten further curiosity.

umathurmancelebritiesvisitlatenightjimmypwaue0ivuhmlCelebrities are often masters at this. They appear on late night talk shows and red carpets as affable and friendly as ever. They
 tell us about their latest projects and how they recently celebrated their child’s first birthday. They are genuine (because this can’t be faked) and we attain just enough to feel as they are like us— but really they are still quite a mystery, and that’s what allows them to be stars— bright enough to see, too far away to touch.

Sustaining the mystery is quite easy with acquaintances and strangers. It is  an art form with intimate friends because while anticipation is the life blood of seduction, so is emotional connection– and the latter can only be cultivated through openness and occasional vulnerability.

Focus on the other person at the start of the liaison. Listen deeply and observe. Not only will your attention flatter (who doesn’t like to talk about themselves), but you’ll gain useful insight into their personality, and you’ll naturally reveal yourself at a slower pace.  In any social dealing, information asymmetry,  (when one party knows a bit more about the other) softly tilts the balance of power in your direction. If you do it right, i.e. hanging on to their every word, they’ll neither notice nor care.

Also, remember that seduction is a form of warfare, and just as a general never reveals his intentions, neither does a lover. Maintaining an element of suspense keeps people on their toes, and deepens the thread of curiosity.

Key Takeaway

Eventually a woman must begin to peel back her layers and reveal herself. As you’ll read in Part II and III of this series, it is a critical aspect of establishing emotional intimacy, and emotions are like glue in any relationship.Overtime, this balancing act of maintaining both mystery and intimacy is perhaps most adroitly  performed by a woman with actual depth, and here is the best advice of all: Any woman who is constantly evolving, learning, and entertaining her own curiosity is impossible to know fully, thus she will always prove utterly fascinating.

In the next article, Part II of this series, discover the second seduction principal that every woman must know. Hint: It’s the quickest way to form a bond.

xo,

Ayesha

The Secret to Feminine Power: What the World’s Most Irresistible Women Know

By

From Josephine Baker, to Jacqueline Kennedy, Cleopatra and even Erykah Badu… Throughout history, we find a dazzling pantheon of seductive women who refused to behave and wait patiently for a hero. These women, seductresses as we’ve come to call them, instinctively recognize their innate power and exercise it with aplomb. They break barriers and hearts, command respect and awe; they live and love on their own terms.

What is their secret? What is the essence of the kind of feminine power that makes the earth quake and men tremble? The answer, explained in this short, captivating film,  dates back more than 25,000 years, to a time before the dawn of history as we know it.

This is the first in a series of videos for “The Seductive Woman”. When divining your own magnetizing potential, there is nothing better than seeing feminine power in action. Here you will see clips of some of the greatest seductresses of all time, along with the bit of “herstory” that puts feminine power in perspective.

Step into your  light and shine.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes: The “Siren”

By

The Siren

You are unbridled, erotic energy in its purest, most tantalizing form.

"Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home. I’m tired."
Mae west

The lover....

Is your DOMINANT feminine archetype and it over-rules all other archetypes!

A snapshot of the Siren

Patron Saint:

Elizabeth Taylor

In Pop Culture:

Kim Kardashian

On television:

Samantha Jones in Sex and the City

In film:

Gilda (Rita Hayworth) in Gilda

Your Potential To Captivate

You walk into a room and all eyes land on you. You radiate confidence, unselfconscious sensuality and palpable erotic energy. You are a male fantasy come to life, the personification of the great goddesses that man worshipped for some 25,000 years. When he encounters you, he experiences a strong, primal de ja vous. When you are fully tapped into your archetype (check out the lover course for a play-by-play on how to do this), you naturally appeal to a man’s ego, his libido, and his taste for adventure– a potent combination in a world where many men, having surrendered to rigorous social codes and first world comforts, often long for something wild and unfamiliar.

The lover archetype, is the oldest and most instinctive psychological archetype in a woman’s psyche. It represents a woman’s most primal urge to procreate. Just as the Greek goddess Aphrodite caused mortals and deities to fall in love, when the lover archetype is active in a woman’s psyche, she exudes a sublimating energy that both attracts and arouses.

Whenever we fall in love (or lust) the lover archetype is present. Consider what happens; our senses are heightened, we feel more beautiful, and sexually charged. The siren is so potent because you express all of the erotic energy of the lover archetype, without the restraints of a prominent secondary archetype.

 

Your challenges...

Your passion and spontaneity are both a blessing and a curse.  

The blessing; you live in the moment, you are playfully spontaneous, and emotionally available. Consider Elizabeth Taylor’s 7 marriages— for the better part of her adult life, the euphoric process of “falling in love” was far more fulfilling than staying in it. She was, however, so intoxicating to her suitors, that they lavished her with the world’s most expensive  jewels, all tributes to their seismic infatuation.

The curse; the absence of other, more objective archetypes makes it difficult to commit to long-term projects and relationships. If you haven’t learned to leverage and balance your lover energy, can be  difficult for you to exercise restraint, meaning you may find yourself in romantic liaisons that ignite and sputter faster than you’d hope. It’s harder for you, than most, to wield your erotic charm tactfully– and you may even be taken advantage of.

 

In the Lover Master Class you'll learn to cultivate this powerful archetype powerfully...

Explore the Lover Master Class

The lover archetype represents the sacred erotic– the life force energy in every woman that sparks reproduction and creativity. Connection with THIS archetype is what makes a woman naturally captivating and seductive. Learn to cultivate the lover archetype to amplify pleasure, passion, and ‘presence’. Channel that life force energy into creating your reality, increasing wealth and vitality, raising your vibe and your natural ability to attract people, love, and opportunity. Laugh often. Play more. Feel good. Heal the divine feminine within, own your sexuality and get anchored in the present moment. Command attention. Feel good in your skin– and open up to people and positive experience.​ Balance this archetype to temper with passion with reason– and to avoid emotional co-dependence. The lover archetype is the basis of all the seduction archetypes– so take this along with your dominant archetype to learn how to captivate.The Lover Master Class also contains the keys to captivate for all women who are dominant in their lover energy. Learn what makes you irresistible and who you attract!

In the Lover Master Class Bundle You'll ...
  • Connect to your creative, erotic 'lover' energy with practical exercises, lifestyle changes and mindset shifts
  • Identify the masculine archetypes you naturally attract, and know how to navigate those relationships POWERFULLY 
  • Understand your unique strengths, and overcome the unique challenges of your archetype
  • Feel good in your BODY
  • Use archetypes to get unstuck-- and understand your purpose
  • Move powerfully with the ability to balance your erotic energy with objective emotional distance
  • Recognize the ancient mythical stories that are playing out in your life RIGHT NOW
  • Know the  books, movies,  exercises and prompts that will fast-track your personal growth
  • Start daily practices and make lifestyle choices that align you with your archetype
  • Leverage your archetype for wealth, opportunity and abundance
Explore the Lover Master Class

Testimonials

Ayesha has been an integral resource for building myself up after my spiritual awakening. Her wisdom is a grounding force. She puts so much into what she teaches and you can tell. I've never felt so comfortable with my feminine energy like I do now, and her Feminine Odyssey course is IT.
Thandiwe Mlauli
Thandiwe Mlauli
A year after breaking an engagement, I started to recover pieces of myself. But I still felt lost, cautious, and scared. So I dedicated 2020 to being the year I would be the confident woman I was prior to that relationship. I came across Ayesha’s YouTube channel. I saw some of her videos and I took the Archetype Quiz. The results rang true and it was so thorough that it couldn’t hurt to take the Feminine Odyssey course. In this course, I learned about the different facets of femininity and the divine goddess that is waiting to reemerge. Just like the Archetype Quiz, the Feminine Odyssey course was very thorough. It discusses the history behind the different archetypes. At times, It felt like I was participating in the “Odyssey” but the female version. Ayesha does an excellent job of connecting the ancient goddesses to our present by providing present-day examples of the archetypes. The past informs the present in this course! And the best part is that she also provides actions or habits that we can do to ignite the different archetypes within us. This course provided the blue print on how to inhabit these different parts of myself. I learned to embrace my beautiful complexities. And Ayesha’s poise is an example of how to do it all with grace. The course is not only a way to discover the different faces of femininity within us. But it also helped me step away from the superficial definition of femininity as prescribed by today’s media. It's not just sex, roses, and pink diamonds. Divine femininity is the 3D version of ourselves. It is sensual, strategic, spiritual, emotional, receptive, creative, and so much more.
Cynthia Paulino
I bought your Maiden and Lover bundle and it was so informative and scarily spot on. Thank you for all your wisdom.
Thank you so much for creating this sacred space. I just started your "Goddess Archetype" course. These are things I needed when I was younger... again, thank you.
Lauren
The Feminine Odyssey is a spiritual, mental and emotional journey that every woman must undergo. Most people spend years of their lives being diluted versions of themselves, and they die. But I dare myself and challenge myself to do the internal work to stand unafraid in my truth.
Brandy J
I can tell how much work you put into these courses. The amount of effort you put into studying, the volum e of information you've curated for our understanding and the immaculate production is truly noteworthy. You've poured your heart and soul into this. "
This course is truly amazing and eye opening. The first time I took the quiz, a little over a year ago, my seduction archetype was the siren (no surprise there). What I love about this course is that it is providing insight into how I move in the world and the "whys" behind it all. Also, it's a great confidence builder and allowing me to see where I need to work on cultivating balance in my personality. Ayesha, I appreciate the work you've put into creating such dynamic content.
Dawn Easter
These courses are what I've been looking for.After searching and taking different courses on self love, sexual liberation and feminine energy, that I later found out were surface level and not well thought out, I am glad that I invested in your work. In just the last two weeks there have been so many things to make me excited about making some changes in my life. Thank you so much!
M.O.
Ayesha! Gratitude to you! Thank you for this course.I have always felt wrong and in conflict with myself but today, as part of this course, I can finally say that the pieces of my brokenness have come back home to me. I have peace in my femininity. I have gone to church, to business seminars, etc. Nobody has ever explained this the way you just did. I am now excited about being in my own little Paradise and letting my energy attract what I wish to create! Thank you so much!
O. Benson
I purchased the Maiden courses last night, and OH MY GOD it has been a revelation of what happened to me in these last 9 years, this descent in the underworld... I'm literally crying, because in a day binge watching your videos you achieved what nobody (parents, psychologists, friends, quotes, books, consulting etc.) achieved in these long years : clarity in what I'm going through and why. And what awaits me and how I can act upon it. Thank you so much, I think you saved my soul with your videos.
Sophie
So I took the architype quiz again after incorporating some of your recommendations. Mt Lover archetype has increased above 70%. It is now at 76.2%! Wow! This is amazing! It was inactive before below 70%. I can also tell a difference in my attitude, emotions and my thoughts. I have also received many compliments, gifts and new opportunities! Thank you! This information is like a roadmap.
Shunika M.
I just wanted to write to say thank you for your amazing work. I bought your Sophisticate bundle and have completed the Lover section, and I feel it has pushed me so much further on my personal journey and evolution. So much of it rang true, and I’m so grateful to have found it at my age. The lesson that my energy is a gift and I inspire people as a Lover woman is so true and something I have been told often — but your course allowed me to fully believe and embrace it! The visual of the siren’s island also makes perfect sense to me; by creating a life that gives me deep pleasure and fulfillment, not only am I making myself happy, but I am creating a world that the right kind of person would be interested in joining. Your guidance goes so much deeper than attracting men, it’s a life philosophy.
Ella
Once I started this programme, I couldn’t stop. I became annoyed by the work I had to do in between and rescheduled everything else. In truth, a few lines, nor even a paragraph can really truly give justice to this body of work. Coming from me that’s pretty something too because I am extremely really read from spirituality to neuroscience, confident and live my life authentically. Despite being a Lover I’ve never fallen prey to the ridiculous stereotypes pumped out by the patriarchy either. As your programme states, I guess I saved my sanity over the years by developing the Sage aspect. I’ve always, always defined my own worth. But yet there was a part of me that I didn’t understand. This part was like a bolt that was preventing the wheels from running smoothly. Where I had great success in life, I was unable to truly understand the reason why to enable me to replicate it for the times when I'd fallen. When I’d encounter really quite terrible jealousy and meanness (which there was a lot), once again, I couldn’t understand why. I knew that I was full of love and kindness and could never comprehend why I was always encountering this abuse, and that’s in adulthood! And so with my Lover self, I'd unconsciously go back for more. A lot came from women too who I dedicate my time to empowering. I knew also that despite being in my fifties I had a magnetic vibe from men. I knew this was because I’m a free-spirit, but it’s clear from this programme the reason why was even more profound than I thought. As you can see I’m struggling to keep this short:). After going through the programme I immediately changed by branding to that of the Lover and my Instagram followers and engagement suddenly started picking up. Everything suddenly started to make sense. In the past, I’ve had counselling and all sorts to try and understand. To try and remove the bolt. Although it helped loads, the bolt still remained. Perhaps all counsellors should do your programme as a part of their studies! The only thing I’m cross about is that I’ve only just discovered you. It seems crazy because I never stop growing and evolving, and not shy to investigate everything! I suspect it came now because I had finally cut myself away from all the abusers. The cut was bloody. I took no prisoners. Deep down I knew these people although very close to me they were trying to destroy me. Each section is golden nugget after golden nugget. After going through the Lover programme, I thought there is no way that the Maiden programme could touch it or come even close. I was so fully satisfied after listening to Lover I didn’t want to spoil my taste buds by listening to Maiden. Oh gheeze, how wrong I was, I entered a goldmine once more. You are truly a phenomenal woman. Your work is beyond magnificent!
Ingrid M.
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What sets your soul on fire?

What is the spark about you that illuminates a room?

Prepare to embark on a breakthrough journey of self-discovery, designed to reveal the captivating, confident and powerful woman you were created to be.

Tens of thousands of women have taken the Feminine Archetypes Assessment on Women Love Power since its 2016 release. The assessment, based on Jungian archetypal psychology, was a two-year endeavor in the making, and it  provides an astoundingly accurate glimpse of your personality blueprint. 

What are the strengths, weaknesses, beliefs, values, aspirations and idiosyncrasies that make you YOU?

How does the world see you, at your  best?  How do you captivate? What is your calling? And what kind of tantalizing life would make you deliriously happy?

The Feminine Archetypes Assessment offers a brief snapshot of your personality, and your unique potential to captivate.  But be advised…

The key word is potential.

Everyday I receive letters from women who are pleasantly surprised by their  by their feminine archetypes results. They identify with the archetype descriptions, but they know they are not realizing their full potential–that’s a pretty a tall order.

Many women still grapple with the self-defeating behaviors and limiting beliefs that are native to each archetype. Your weaknesses are often the price you pay for natural strengths.

The truth is,  the feminine archetype assessment results only scratch the surface, and  for years I’ve been developing a resource that will lead women to themselves. The Feminine Odyssey will teach you to own your greatness  and ignite your inner spark  by tapping into archetypal wisdom. 

You may be suffering under the yoke of expectations, and yearning to get free. You may want to know how to overcome the habits that hold you back. You may want to know how to captivate, naturally, by being MORE of who you are. 

You may may want to know how to curate a life that ignites your passion.You may feel unprepared and stuck as  you figure out your life path.  You may want to know how to kick your life into high gear, and reach YOUR next level.

 

Get Inspired!

Curious about your archetype? Take the psychology-driven Seduction Archetype Quiz.

Click to learn more about the other archetypes: Siren | Sophisticate | Boss | Bohemian | Coquette | Goddess | Enigma | Diva | Empress | Sensualist | Lady | Ingenue | Gamine

The founder of Women Love Power®, Ayesha K. Faines is a writer, media personality, and brave new voice for feminine power and social change. Sought after for her provocative insights on culture, mythology and gender politics, she has been featured on MTV, Essence, Entertainment Tonight, The Michael Baisden Radio Show, AfroPunk, and Time among other media outlets. She's traveled the world lecturing before a number of universities, and she pens a column for Zora Magazine that explores the intersection of love and power. She is best known as a featured panelist on "The Grapevine". Ayesha is a graduate of Yale University and a former television journalist.

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