Women Love Power®

Feminine Power, Self Discovery & Sacred Sensuality by Ayesha K. Faines

Seduction

How to Let it ‘Flow’: Lessons In the Art of Surrender

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What would life be like if you stopped resisting, and began allowing? What does it mean to connect with the ‘flow’ and how do we marry instinct and desire? In the latest edition of the Women Love Power video series, we dive deep into the heart of the feminine journey, exploring how we, as women, have the power to endure, manifest, and forge profound connections when we tap into the ‘flow’. We explore an alternative approach that ignites our our ability to captivate, strengthens our resilience and connects us to our desire.

Curious as to how to connect to the ‘flow’ on a daily basis and ignite your feminine energy? Get instant access to the Five Laws of Feminine Power today for a play-by-play in module I of how we cultivate feminine energy– and use it to ignite attraction and sustain vitality.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

For Most Women, Power Is More Attainable Than (Equal) Love

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An honest look at woman’s quest for love, in the age of rising feminine power. Do we trade love for power– or can we get both?

Would you rather have love or power?

In Greek myth, the goddesses of Mount Olympus were rarely loved. They were lusted. They were tricked. They were possessed… often even subdued. But rarely were they loved.

Depiction of Sky God Zeus and his wife, the goddess Hera. Note how she prostrates before him. Zeus was known to humiliate Hera by taking on many consorts and affairs. She remained steadfast in her love for him, but was known for her rage, directed towards the women her husband chose.

Take Zeus, the omnipotent sky God and  Patriarch  of Mount Olympus. Zeus forced himself on Hera in order to shame her into marrying him— and then humiliated her   throughout their union by taking on countless consorts. He swallowed Metis, his then pregnant lover (whose name means cunning wisdom) after it was prophesied that she’d deliver a son smart and powerful enough to overthrow him, and disguising himself as a white bull, he even deceived,  abducted and raped Europa, a story that to this day is ubiquitous in the European Union.

Even the goddess Persephone’s rise as Queen of the underworld comes only after her husband, the chthonian God Hades attacks and kidnaps her, forcing her to live with him for half the year.

The goddesses of Mount Olympus loved their Gods, often in spite of the abuse, but rarely were they loved or revered in return. Figuratively speaking, they were the women who tithed while their men preached. They had power, ruling over their limited domains, and they had men–but not love.

These stories matters because the Greco-Roman mythological tradition is the  archetypal  blueprint for Western patriarchal society. These myths  assisted the decline of ancient matrilineal, goddess-revering societies, and they continue to exert a powerful pull on the collective unconscious–shaping our worldview,  gender norms, and the ways in which  conceptualize and actualize  love.

Depiction of the Rape of Europa. Zeus disguised himself as a seemingly harmless white bull in order to lure the mortal Europa. He later kidnapped and overcame her. Sex by deception and force is a recurring theme in Greek myth.

The imbalanced, exploitative relationships of Mt. Olympus were a prelude to the romantic conflicts that pervade Western society to this day. In fact,  I am convinced that much of the women’s movement of the 20th century was not just an effort to get equal power, but also equal love.

But equal love is hard.

Equal love is hard to achieve in a society that conditions men to resist emotion while conditioning women to seek it at all costs. Equal love is hard when we equate masculinity with domination,  teaching men they have certain rights over a woman’s body and it’s  hard when we assume that women are just ‘better at love’.

Game. Set. Match. Maybe Love.

I began thinking about our cultural conditioning and  our expectations for  heterosexual love,  while reading a controversial ‘think-piece’ published in Slate Magazine.

In the article, writer Heather Schwedel  says Alexis O’hanian, Reddit founder and husband to tennis champion Serena Williams, is  ‘performing’ love for likes on social media.

O’hanian, who once commissioned a string of billboards along a  California highway to welcome his wife back to tennis after  her life-threatening pregnancy, is known for his public displays of  affection. But rather than elicit a nod of approval, the author calls his efforts  a “baroque and labor-intensive domestic charade” selfishly designed to  solicit praise for “killing the feminist-husband game”.

This is what baffles me.

Everyday women erect emotional monuments to the men. We build towering edifices of  love, sacrifice, longing, and grief.

Why is it so hard to believe that a man in love might erect a billboard?

Williams is the ultimate powerful woman, and, thanks to the cliché that men don’t want to be with women who are more successful than they are, it’s nice to see her with a partner who, despite being a (lesser) hotshot himself, seems happy to take a back seat to her career.”-Heather Schwedel, Slate

At first glance, Schwedel’s cynicism speaks to our broad cultural assumptions about womanhood, race, and who we deem worthy of love. She frames her argument  in  the same beauty politics that have haunted  Serena’s career since its inception, joining the long list of detractors who depict Serena as too powerful, too masculine, and too brown for accolades, no less  love.

(Women are supposed to win approval, not championships.)

But perhaps more covertly, and speaking to my original point, Schwedel’s misguided thoughts also  mirror our own cultural expectations for women in heterosexual relationships– beliefs that undermine the  female  quest for fulfilling, unconditional, egalitarian love. We expect women to revere their men, but we’re a bit suspect when men do the same.

In order to  reach communion, or mutual love and acceptance, both men and women have to first consider  themselves equals, but patriarchies center around male domination and the assumption of male superiority, so herein lies the problem. In order for equal love to even have a chance, both men and women have to unlearn their most basic beliefs. We have to abandon the assumption that emotional withholding is masculine and that men are less than capable of love. We have to abandon the notion that women  must make ourselves worthy of male love, and that arduous emotional and physical labor is the price we pay to keep that love. We have to discard the idea that women are objects of male desire, rather than agents of their own.

The Truth About 80/20 Relationships

There are few things as demoralizing as being in an emotionally unbalanced relationship– where one partner out-loves the other.

But this unequal distribution of emotional and physical labor is commonplace, particularly in modern heterosexual marriages where studies show that married men reap the benefits of their spouse’s emotional and physical labor in tangible ways. Overall, married men are  happier, healthier, wealthier and have better sex  than their single counterparts, where as married women experience adverse health effects unless they are highly satisfied in their marriage. I’d conjecture that  these healthy, highly-satisfied wives are not burdened with performing the bulk of the emotional and physical labor. In fact, an AARP survey of 1147 men and women ages 40-79 who experienced a divorce in their 40s, 50s, or 60s, found that two thirds of women said they initiated the split.

These studies poke holes in our cultural assumptions about who benefits from marriage  while supporting the idea  that our cultural  blueprint for love is flawed.

For the better part of modern history, marriage was an oppressive institution that regarded  women as possessions, so in spite of our gains in the public sphere, remnants of that oppression still exist.

Women are working while  carrying out the bulk of the household and child care duties. Women are still performing the bulk of the emotional labor.  Women are enjoying the sexual liberation without the leverage the sex once offered in a culture that increasingly pressures women to engage in sex without investment or commitment. Our progress is benefiting men.

A 2009 National Bureau of Economics report sheds light on women’s perspective of marriage, suggesting that women in industrialized nations are experiencing a decline in overall happiness, inspite of epic gains in power– in large part, the report explains,  due to the complexity of modern romantic relationships, modern marriage, and the endurance to oppressive female roles.

Empowerment has become the catch phrase of the 21st century, and maybe we are so focused on power because it seems more attainable than equal love.

And this is not to say that true love does not or can not exist in our current society—it often flourishes  triumphantly, but the journey towards finding this mutually  loving  ‘communion’ is severely challenged by our cultural assumptions.

Love and Power are Not Mutually Exclusive

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall.

I have long been fascinated by women who excel in love and life– in fact that’s one of the many reasons I created this platform– to celebrate, and better yet,  to understand them. For years, I’ve mined the biographies of phenomenal women with chutzpah, gall, and larger-than-life personas, — women like Josephine Baker, Cleopatra, Pamela Churchill Harriman,  Lous Andreas Salome, Jeanne Moreau, Josephine Bonaparte, Eva Peron and Erykah Badu. These sirens, like Serena, also inspired the kind of love and devotion you can see from the highway.

And I realized something.

The common thread in all of their stories was not  just romantic success. In fact way too much attention had been given to their romantic conquests — a reflection of our shallow tendency  to define  women  by the powerful men who love them.

No, with time,  I realized  that romantic and worldly success go  hand in hand — and neither have anything to do with looks, privilege, or ladylike behavior.

It’s mindset. Mindset is what catapults mortal women into the pantheon of living goddess.

Their lives and behavior aren’t defined by patriarchal mores and sexist social codes and their life trajectories are not determined by gender.

Mental liberation enables captivating women to form solid self-esteem, the kind we all find hard to resist. It frees them to live full, individuated lives, to know their worth, and to ultimately choose men who are willing and capable of doing the same. These women are confident, cool, and comfortable in their own skin and they understand how to love and be loved. They resist conformity,  know their purpose, and play the field until they find  the man  (or men) best suited for their brand of love.

These women realize that they don’t  have to choose between love and power. For them losing personal power is not the price we pay for winning love. These women prove that a loving power can attract a powerful love.

The women who win  mutual, monumental love,  aren’t just lucky victors in a flawed system. It’s not a matter of chance. They foil all systems of power by means of subversion and self-definition. They are  indifferent to criticism and persecution and they give us a working example of what liberation looks like when paired with agency. They are the  true progressives of our lot, proving that fantastic success and monumental love is possible when we mentally get of the grid.

As Belle Hooks writes that “Nothing indicts female allegiance to patriarchy more than the willingness to behave as though the problems created by cultural investment in sexist thinking about the nature of male and female roles can be solved by women’s working harder.”

So often, when women encounter the kind of lovelessness endemic in patriarchies, particularly in our culture of casual sex, we respond by buckling down on our sexist thinking. In our quest to improve our romantic plight, to get the monumental love our dreams, we often resort to self-blame, self-pity, and self-correction rather than the most aphrodisiacal quest of all— self-love.

Man’s Fear of the Powerful Love

Samson led the people for 20 years until he was betrayed by his wife, Delilah, and captured by the Philistines. It’s a parable cautionary tale against excessive pride and charming women.

In our society, women who buck social expectations by loving how and who they want, threaten the livelihoods of men and women who are fully invested in an oppressive system. They defy  all that we’ve been told about female chastity, purity, fidelity, loyalty and emotionallabor. They challenge our beliefs about which women are ‘lovable’ and and the terms of the love.  They foil our caste systems of desire.

And they are powerful.

That’s what scares us the most.

To render any lover spellbound is  form of power, but especially when that lover is a man.  A captivated man is taboo in a culture centered around male domination and control.

Right now I’m talking about a power beyond sex, but the power to plunge men deep into the emotional abyss where he may lose control— lose his ability to understand, to distance himself with logic, to detach  and to resist. His own sexual destiny may be at the whim of a woman which really turns this who patriarchy thing on its head and the fear of such an occurrence is embedded in the culture.

Consider the most famous femme fatales in history.

Jezebel. Salome. Delilah. Cleopatra. The ubiquotious dark siren  of 1940’s film noire.

What do they have in common?

A touch of evil.

Kathleen Turner and William Hurt in the iconic neo-noir Body Heat. Turner plays a textbook femme fatale, using her captivating looks, charm, manipulation and sex to lead her mark to his demise.

These beautiful and beguiling  pose a deadly threat to every man they encounter. Their pleasure comes at a steep price. She is his weakness, never his strength. They  are seductive landmines stirring both desire and terror, and in the end, they must meet their demise lest men meet theirs.

But sometimes men do encounter, and fall for these powerful women, and the only death that ensues is the fragile ego that keeps him trapped in a system that denies him full love, acceptance, and wholeness too. Sometimes love leads to  a pleasurable death, followed a powerful resurrection.

The Taj Mahal is an enormous mausoleum complex commissioned in 1632 by the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan to house the remains of his beloved wife. It was constructed over a 22-year period on the southern bank of the Yamuna River in Agra, India.

The world’s largest diamond was purchased for a woman. The Taj Mahal was created in honor of a woman. Some of the world’s  most beautiful castles were erected for women . One might even argue that civilization itself is a testament to what men are willing to build in pursuit of female sex.

Since the beginning of time men have been demonstrating their love in extravagant ways because contrary to popular belief, powerful women really do inspire powerful love.

We should not feel threatened by women who evoke magnamious gestures of love, or even skeptical; we should be inspired. By freeing themselves from the tyranny of patriarchal attitudes, these women cease to enable toxic masculine behavior in their own lives, and often inspire the men in pursuit of their love to find their own psychic freedom, a gateway to  self-love, healthy emotional expression, and ultimately communion.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

Want to dive really deep? Learn the ways women have cultivated their power and beguiling abilities since the beginning of time here.

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Three Lessons in Life, Love & Sacred Femininity From Oshun

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Oshun is the Yoruban goddess of the rivers and fresh waters, sensuality, fertility, beauty, art, wealth and love. Brought to the America’s via the Transatlantic slave trade, today, she is revered in Santeria, Candomble, and Afro-Haitian religious tradition as well.

She is such a strong force in the collective unconscious that she turns up, sometimes  unintentionally, in contemporary popular culture. From the universal image of a beautiful woman emerging from water (as in 007) to Pam Grier’s ‘Foxxy Brown’ and Beyonce’s’Lemonade’, the powerful orisha still makes her scintillating presence known. 

Even today, the ancient mythic stories that surround Oshun offer inspiring insight into soft power, transformation and the sacred feminine.  For women, myths offer a significant pathway to understanding feminine power as these ancient deities predate patriarchy and our contemporary concept of feminity. 

In this video, I explore the deeper meaning of several Oshun patakis and offer insight into soft power, radical transformation, and the purpose of pleasure.

 

xo,

Ayesha

Dating One Man at a Time is a Terrible Idea

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Why is any single woman in 2017 still dating one man?

It is a riddle for the ages.

At a time when women have unprecedented autonomy and access to the opposite sex, we still commit  to men who are not committed to us– effectively placing ourselves on the losing end of the negotiation that we call romance.

I thought about this in the aftermath of ABC’s historic season of The Bachelorette as I watched womankind rally behind the losing suitor, a man who oozed passion and charm, but refused to bend a knee. In the end, bachelorette Rachel Lindsay chose the man willing to propose, over the man willing to promise– and women were offended.

I get it. Some of us have a real weakness for promises.

After all, promises are the strips of scotch tape that hold flimsy relationships together. When coupled with passion, they  will  keep a woman physically and emotionally committed to a man who is unwilling to reciprocate. Promises are kindling for situationships-– fuel for the virtual harems that have become the norm in this hi-tech age of un-innoncence.

Forget reality tv– in reality, there are women who choose  promises (and pillow talk)  over power– every single day.

The Last Supper

My former lover thought I was one of those women.

I know because he invited me to dinner, not once, but three times about a month after our liason had flat-lined. I politely  declined.

Maybe another time.

Our situation, after all,  had ended in an ellipses…polite communication punctuated by extended periods of his absence. And when I discovered that he’d taken interest in another woman–  I made peace with the ordeal and quietly moved on.

But after his fourth offer, I caved. Perhaps it was his persistence, or my own fatal curiosity, but on a random weeknight in summer, I found myself  anointing my pulse points in Chanel and wiggling into  a blue dress that  hugged my curves like  an Audi on the Audubon.

We met at a restaurant where the most delicious power struggle ensued.

He was an attractive, older man with oceanic eyes and sandy, leonine locks that like him, resisted being tamed, but on that night, they were bridled by a taut black headband, and he’d swapped his usual graphic tee for a crisp button-down shirt.

He greeted me like we were long-time lovers, and gallantly reached for  my chair. He even caressed my fingers from across the table as he swan dove into my eyes, telling me everything he thought I might like to hear. He had been busy with work, so busy there hadn’t been any time for romance–with anyone. But he would make it up to me in the Fall. He promised.

At the suggestion of a future date, I  smiled, and took to his ego like a butter knife to bread.

I told  him how  grateful I was for all he’d done for me. I assured him that he would  always have a special place in my heart (this is true). I told him he was so smart,  sexy and successful that I knew he could have any woman he wanted.

But right now,  I said just as his chest began to  swell, I want to be with a man who adores me.  A man who is serious about me.  A man with whom I can travel and enjoy life.  A man I can respect. A man who respects me.

And right now— that’s not you.

I reached for my water glass, and politely changed the subject.

He spent the rest of the night  shifting in his seat, searching for the perfect comeback–casting rhetorical lassos that failed to ensnare.

As exhilarating as it was to offer my cheek as he leaned in for a parting kiss, that encounter was not about revenge. It was about power.

His sudden rebound had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with his ego. He was the kind of man who needed the reassurance of knowing that  his charm had been so intoxicating– so virile and strong– that I’d be spellbound, even in his absence. He was like a bull in a china shop– let lose, he would break every beautiful thing in his path.

He wanted me in his harem– that is, he wanted me, the woman he was seeing, and anyone else who caught his fancy at the same damn time. This is how harems are formed– around men who offer just enough passion and promise to keep women physically and emotionally invested.

I had to give it to him– he was good at what he did. But I was  nobody’s concubine.

 You might win some… but you just lost one. – Lauryn Hill

A Woman’s Right to Choose

Some of us want butterflies and nothing less. Some of us need fire, even at the risk of getting burned. And maybe our partiality to men who fuel our deepest fantasies offers some insight into why modern dating is the way it is– and that is nothing like Mother Nature planned it.

We find bands of women in these  informal harems of lovers, ex-lovers and friends,  their love lives more-or-less mirroring episodes of  The  Bachelor, when  women are biologically predestined to be The Bachelorette. We were designed to have options.

The closer women get to real power, the more they cling to the idea that they are powerless.”- Hanna Rosin

The power of choice is our birthright.

That’s not a feminist mantra. That is scientific fact.

To understand our enormous power, we must first understand how humans came to exist.

At the dawn of humankind, in a small region of East Africa surrounding Lake Victoria, our predecessors,  Homo erectus females, were dying in catastrophic numbers. The cause— an anatomical bottleneck. The growing brain size  placed expecting mothers in grave peril, as the struggle to push a  large head through a narrow birth canal often resulted in the death of both mother and child*.

And then natural selection came along with an adaptation that gave rise to homo sapiens— and the most powerful female primate on the planet.

A random genetic mutation did away with estrus, the recurring period of sexual receptivity in female primates also known as “heat”. In our evolution from estrus to menses, females gained the power to override their neurological circuitry and the commandment of potent sex hormones. She now could have sex at any time of her cycle, and she gained the ability to choose when, if and with whom she mated.

The power to postpone sex gave women a significant sexual advantage over men. Women came to understand that childbirth could mean death, and developed the foresight to select the best mate—  a man who was not only handsome and virile, but generous and  willing to help mother and child survive the deadly parturition, infancy, child and young adulthood.

With this new adaptation, homo sapien males  needed more than good  looks and hard-ons to get it on. Now, they had to woo women— and our earliest male ancestors did this by offering protection, commitment, and the iron rich meat that women so desperately needed. That means, ancestral men literally risked  life and limb going into battle with wild animals– just to gain access to female sex.

This evolutionary tale is critical in understanding the dissonance between male and female desire that began at the dawn of our species. When Mother Nature gave women veto power over sex, for the first time in primate history, males and females desired different things. Men were after sex; women, a long term investment in the safety and well-being of she and her children. This dissonance would forever force the two sexes into complicated negotiations in order to establish the terms and conditions of mutual sex. Today we call this negotiation dating.

Date, Mate, & Negotiate

If dating is a negotiation where men and women are establishing the terms and conditions of sex, then all too often women fail to petition for their interests. 

We know that the party with the most options, the one most willing to walk, has the upper hand– but our cultural attitudes about femininity,  sexuality and fidelity, in particular our unique practice of “slut-shaming” , systemically  encourages women to act against their own self-interests.

Instead we settle for the intangibles— things like attention, hope and validation— for which, in exchange, we give our most precious resources—  our energy, our emotional labor, our power, our bodies, and perhaps most significantly, our time.

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. – Mae West

She’s not promiscuous; she’s pragmatic.

In season 2 of the HBO series Insecure, a heartbroken Issa attempts  to balance multiple casual sex partners at once. She calls it a ‘ho-tation‘– but let’s not confuse a rotation with promiscuity. It’s called being pragmatic.

We need to rethink sex, power and female fidelity altogether.

Sex-without-strings has never served women well, so much so, our species literally evolved so that human females could avoid it.  For the better part of human history, for a woman,  choosing the right mate (or group of mates) was a matter of life and death. Today, our survival may not depend on it, but our overall well-being certainly does.

Today we have normalized the practice of enjoying and disposing of women with cute terms  like “situationship” and “friends with benefits“. The term “hook up” originates in the African-American vernacular, meaning to give someone something of value as a favor. Derrick hooked me up with VIP passes… one might say.  

Women are hooking men up with their bodies, emotional labor, time,  and energy– and they are getting very little out of the deal.

It’s because we’ve taught women that sex is not about them– and that what they are offering both physically and spiritually is of little value. We sold an entire generation of post-liberation women a lie. We’ve lured women into being concubines–under the guise  of keeping it casual. We’ve taught women that not having their needs met is better than being alone.  We’ve taught women to wear their loyalty and self-sacrifice like a badge of honor, even when it means thwarting their own goals.  We’ve taught women how to  defer their power in the name of love.

But we were designed to discriminate. The power to choose is our birthright, and  we can’t choose without options.

Options allows us to hedge our bets. It gives us leverage, and enough emotional distance to discern the intentions of our men. It prevents us from wasting valuable  time with suitors who are unwilling, or incapable, of investing in us. Taking the time to choose gives us a chance to see if those enticing promises materialize, and to recognize the men who fake futures in order to get our presents, in the present.

It flips the script, giving us the means to act on our desire, rather than merely exist as the object of someone else’s.

And perhaps, the  best way to avoid being apart of a man’s harem, is to have one of your own.

xo,

Ayesha

PS: Every single woman has the unique ability to captivate and enthrall. Discover what makes you irresistible with my psychology-backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ quiz.

*Even today, human females have the most difficult parturition process. The 96 hours following the onset of contractions is the greatest mortality risk  a typical human will ever face.

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Power Players: The Top 12 Femme Fatales in Film History

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The term femme fatale literally means deadly woman, but the only thing she usually bludgeons is the male ego. As you’ll soon discover, she much prefers to outsource her dirty work.   She is a beguiling figure of film noire, the gritty, crime-driven genre born of widespread disillusionment following the Depression and World War II.

Who is she?

At first glance, the femme fatale is an alluring woman who charms a man into a  precariously asymmetrical relationship, and then leads him directly into harms way.  She is a sight to behold, first appearing  atop a winding staircase, in nothing but a towel, anklet and cheap wig– or perhaps sauntering  through the sticky Florida heat in chiffon dress that suggests, underneath, a body made for sin.

Her erotic energy is palpable. The meter of her speech, the texture of her voice, the curve of her gait– everything is choreographed for maximum hypnotic effect. Equal parts mesmerizing and machiavellian, she lulls her victims into unfamiliar emotional terrain–using her body as a precipice  upon which  one might risk life and limb.

Who is she, really? 

A patriarchal inversion— a smart woman who uses her feminine wiles against men, as a means to gain power and independence in a domain where woman have neither.

A fulcrum around which events turn— she acts on desire, rather than wait to become the object of someone else’s.

A transgressor of societal norms— her very existence, even on celluloid, threatens to undermine  womanhood as we know it. She represents an alternative model for femininity–a woman who is bold, sexually autonomous, smart, and selfish– that is, she uncharacteristically places her own needs and desires before others.

The Vagina Has Teeth

She is the culmination of male awe and angst surrounding unbridled female sexuality–the imminent threat of being totally consumed in a woman’s physical and emotional body, as if her womb were quicksand.  Her  archetype appears in gospel, folklore and myth; Samson and Delilah, the Greek sirens, even  vagina dentata, a folk tale in which a woman’s vagina is said to contain teeth. Yikes.

The toothed vagina is no sexist hallucination: every penis is made less in every vagina, just as mankind, male and female, is devoured by mother nature. – Camille Paglia

With her character in the hands of male writers and directors, the femme fatale is predestined for a comeuppance (quite often death)–but no amount of back end retribution can diminish the powerful precedent she sets. Morals aside, femme fatales may be the best fictional example we have of women using their innate power to advance their goals.

There is a lot a girl  can learn from a deadly woman. So pop your popcorn ladies…

Here are my twelve favorite  femme fatale performances for your viewing, and learning, pleasure.

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The Top 12 Femme Fatales in Cinematic History

12. The Postman Always Rings Twice– Based on the 1934 novel by a James M. Cain that was considered so provocative when it first came out that  the city of Boston banned it, noire icon Lana Turner plays a buxom blond trapped in a loveless marriage. She seduces a drifter who  begins working in their diner, and together they conspire to kill her husband. The combination of Lana’s ethereal innocence, and her not-so-innocent tight white shorts are irresistible.

Seduction archetype: The Goddess.

11. The Last Seduction– Linda Fiorentino plays Bridget Gregory, a cunning woman  who steals $ 700,000 from her husband and flees. She lands in Beston, a small town where her crooked lawyer advises her to lay low.  While there, she liaisons with a local guy and turns him into killer.  High notes: Forientino’s androgynous swag, husky voice, and her ability to turn a boy-next-door into her love-addicted, dirty-work doing, play thing.

Seduction archetype: The Boss

 

10. Niagara– In this 1953 technicolor film noire, Marilyn Monroe plays Rose, the younger and very attractive wife of a depressed vet. She and her lover conspire to kill her husband and fail. The tables turn when her husband plots  his revenge. Niagara has a morbid ending, but the sight of Marilyn in a tight fuschia dress, writhing in such a way that mesmerizes  the men on and off screen is unforgettable.  There’s a ten-second shot of Monroe just walking away.

Seduction archetype: The Ingenue

9. To Have and Have Not– To be honest, this is not a classic noir, but Marie, played by Lauren Bacall, is every bit of a femme fatale.This was Bacall’s  first movie role, and behind the scenes she could barely get it together. Watching, you’d never guess.  She was 19 years old, but her extreme languorousness, that famous bewitching ‘look’ and her low,  breathy speech suggested a woman far beyond her years. It’s no suprise that during the course of the film she and her much older co-star Humphrey Bogart fell madly in love. He  left his third wife, and embarked on a long and storied romance with Bacall. The on-screen chemistry is as authentic as it gets, and the dialogue is scintillating! Any woman who aspires to elevate her conversation above banal banter should take note.

 You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together – and blow.”

Seduction archetype: The Sophisticate.

8.Out of the Past– Jane Greer plays Kathie Moffatt, a chameleon-like femme fatale on the run from her husband, who  eventually becomes the object of erotic obsession for a hard-boiled detective. Told in a series of melodramatic flashbacks, Greer shows the power of vulnerability, disarming with tenderness all the while using mystery to keep her lover at a distance.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren

7. The Killers- In her breakout role, Ava Gardner plays the gorgeous and mysterious Kitty Collins, a woman at the center of a murder mystery. Her entrance is unforgettable, leaning against a piano and crooning a sultry tune, she stands out against the  women in the room like a panther with white fur. The Killers is a study in presence. Her eyes penetrate; her movement is  graceful and feline. The Killers was made during the studio era when young actresses like Gardner were coached in the art of on-screen seduction.  Gardner wrote in her biography, “A lot of people have told me through the years that it was The Killers that set me on the road to stardom, that defined my image as the slinky sexpot in the low cut dress, leaning against a piano and setting the world on fire.”

Seduction Archetype: The Sophisticate.

6. Double Indemnity–  If you only watch one film noir ever, this is the one to watch.  Double Indemnity is considered the definitive film noire, and Barbara Stanwyck, as Phyllis Dietrichson, executes a textbook seduction.  From the moment she  appears leaning over a  banister, draped in a towel, the chase is on. She seduces an insurance agent and convinces him to kill  her husband and make it look like an accident, so as to  collect the insurance money. The only downfall of the masterful movie is the horrible blonde wig the director insisted  Stanwyck wear. In his defense, he wanted her to look cheap.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren.

5. Basic Instinct– If you can get past the  gore of the opening scene during which an anonymous blonde mercilessly murders her lover with an ice pick– this is a great  neo-noire. Sharon Stone plays Catherine Tramell, a crime novelist and the last person to be seen with rocker Johnny Boz before his mysterious murder. Michael Douglas plays a homicide detective assigned to the case. He is determined to convict Tramell of the crime, only he gets caught in her seductive lair and the two begin a torrid affair. Stone plays the Hitchcockian ice blonde to the hilt and who can forget the gutsy interrogation scene where Stone uncrosses her legs….

Seduction Archetype: The Coquette.

4. Body Heat– If there’s one word to describe this 1981 neo-noire, it is steamy. Literally. The story takes place during a Florida  heat wave and the characters never appear on screen with a thin veil of sweat. Matty Walker, wife to a wealthy, unscrupulous businessman,  begins an affair with an inept,  womanizing attorney. Having fallen head first for the mysterious woman, Matty is able to convince her lover to kill her husband. Are you recognizing a pattern here? Kathleen Turner’s frank mix of sexuality and coolness is exciting to watch. Of note: A master manipulator, Matty Walker gives you a step-by-step playbook of how to get a man to do just about anything. She also makes the case that every siren should own a billowy, white dress.

Seduction Archetype: The Sophisticate

 

3. Vertigo-Kim Novak stars as the distant  femme fatale in Hitchcock’s haunting psychological thriller that begins when  a wealthy shipbuilder hires a retired San Francisco to follow his wife –who’s been acting strange. Novak seduces the detective from afar, her puzzling behavior and sphinx-like demeanor causing a man with acrophobia to scale buildings in her trail. With nuance that only Hitchcock can deliver, Vertigo proves that paradox is immensely sexy.

Seduction Archetype: The Enigma.

2. Boomerang- Robin Givens  plays Jacqueline Broyer,  a seductive executive in this romantic comedy about a playboy who meets his match. While not a classic film noire, Jacqueline is a ravishing femme fatale who uses her powers not for control– but for autonomy. She is the chooser.  With her victim trapped in a hopeless game of surrender and retreat, Boomerang is a modern example of how feminine power can be asserted in the boardroom and bedroom.

Seduction Archetype: The Boss.

1. Gilda– Gilda is the film that made Rita Hayworth a superstar and the ‘love goddess’ of her time. She plays a hedonistic and flirtacious femme fatale married to an older man–a cold, wealthy, casino owner. Unbeknownst to her husband, Gilda has history with his right hand man, Johnny, and the two embark on an intense love-hate relationship in which Gilda teases him with her exuberant sexuality. It’s hard to put Hayworth’s performance in Gilda into words. Her erotic energy jumps off the screen. High point: Gilda dancing in sinful black dress, tossing her jewels to the crowd, and peeling her gloves like hosiery. Few things bring a woman to life like dance.

Seduction Archetype: The Siren.

Which film heroine do you most resemble? Discover your unique brand of captivation with my psychology-backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes™ quiz.

xo,

Ayesha

Part IV: How Feminine Energy Transforms Relationships

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In the 4th and final installment of this video series on feminine energy, discover the two qualities that deepen and transform romantic relationships. Masculine energy may lead with action, but feminine energy leads with feeling, and this is a critical aspect of any connection.

 

With powerful love,

Ayesha

Art of Seduction Part III: The Power of Exclusivity

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Value is in the Eye of the Beholder

tulip-maniaToday you can purchase a colorful  bouquet of  tulips from any florist or urban bodega for about the cost of two movie tickets, but in 16th Europe, a handful of tulips could be given in exchange for a house. A huge house.

When the first bulbs arrived the Netherlands in 1554 from the Ottoman Empire, they were were a novelty— lush,  exotic,  difficult to come by and  time-consuming to plant. The price of a bulb rose so astronomically that by 1637, a single bulb could feed, clothe and house a single dutch family for half a lifetime.

Like all speculative bubbles, the mania finally reached a tipping point, but not before men of all backgrounds, seduced by the  allure of these exotic flowers, poured their entire life savings in the frenzied tulip trade. In February of 1637, the market collapsed over night. Demand vanished and the flowers fell to a tenth of their former value.

It wouldn’t be the first time human lust rallied the price of an object to heights far beyond its intrinsic worth. In the centuries to follow, there would be gold, houses, company shares, dot-coms and beanie-babies subject to the same passion-fueled boom and bust. In the history of economic bubbles there lies  a powerful lesson in attraction: just like beauty, value is in the eye of the beholder.

The Third Seduction Principle

In cities across the globe, thousands of people happily pay money to haul their tables, chairs and packaged food to an undisclosed outdoor location in order to partake in the world’s largest, and perhaps most intriguing, picnic. It is called Le Diner en Blanc, and the pop-up phenomenon, with waiting-lists some 40,000 long, is a text book seduction.

Over the course of this three part series, I’ve used Le Diner as a case study to explain the three human truths that make seduction possible.

In Part I, I explained that few people  can resist a secret. In Part II, I demonstrated how isolation inspires intimacy.

Curiosity and isolation play a vital role in the Le Diner’s appeal, but for sure, the most seductive aspect is the simple fact that not everyone can go. There are 5,000 available spots and about 40,000 people hoping to get lucky.

Which leads me to the third and final,  which by now you may have guessed.

Everyone wants what they can’t have.

The Power of Exclusivity

In the 17th century lobster was fed to prisoners and indentured servants. In the 18th century, the crustaceans washed up along the east coast so abundantly  it was considered low-class food, designated for the poor.  In fact, it wasn’t until the 20th century, after over-fishing dramatically reduced the supply, that lobster was rebranded as a delicacy

Scarcity is a social phenomenon. We place higher value on an objects that are scarce than those that are in abundance.  In psychology this is called the scarcity heuristic, a cognitive shortcut by which we use an item’s availability, or perceived abundance, to quickly estimate quality.  Simply put, we want what we can’t (or we’re less likely to) have. This human weakness can be exploited in innumerable ways.

In the early days of Facebook, the social networking site was only available to Harvard students, then the Ivy League. Soon Facebook opened its doors to all college students,  employees at select  companies, and in 2006 it finally opened to the world. Today, the website boasts over a billion members, but the first users were an exclusive group. As the network grew, others naturally wanted in. Whether by accident or intent, Facebook’s ability to surpass all of its social networking competitors speaks volumes about our desire for hard-to-get things.

The It Bag

Luxury and exclusivity are nearly synonymous in the marketing world. High end brands maintain their prestige simply by limiting the number of products available and using prohibitive pricing.

There can be as long as  a six year wait list to purchase an Hermes ‘Birkin’ bag which ranges in price from $12,000 to over $200,000. And even if you have the disposable  income and an inordinate amount of patience, it takes more than a simple stroll into the nearest Hermes boutique. In pursuit of this rarefied bag, one must curry favor with a sales associate or even hire someone else to source it. Unless you are a bona fide celebrity or socialite, the complex process of procuring such a bag makes it the ultimate status symbol among ladies who lunch. It is so coveted, the bag actually gains value the moment you purchase it, meaning obtaining one of these bags can be as significant an investment as purchasing a modest, suburban home— with cash.

Playing hard to get?

Perceived scarcity plays an obvious role in the seduction process, but the old adage “play hard to get” is misleading. If one must play hard to get in, then the reality must be quite the opposite. Exclusive objects are not simply difficult to procure—they are difficult to obtain because there are so few like them.

And here comes the good news for just about any human being on the planet who aspires elevate themselves above the banal: there is only one of you.

It is really that simple, but infinitely complex because our society  systemically promotes conformity. Traditional dating advice prescribes “rules” and established modes of behavior.  Play the damsel in distress. Don’t say too much over dinner. Wait so many days. In reality, no two seductions are the same because every pleasurable journey takes on the tone of its tour guide.

When we appeal to universal standards of beauty and decorum in  our quests to mesmerize, we really do just the opposite. We downplay the characteristics that make us rare— sui generis— and given human nature, this  completely defies logic.

Consider again luxury handbags. The moment counterfeits flood the market, the value goes down.

Why be a copy when you can be an original?

A Woman Like No Other

I imagine that the mania surrounding Josephine Baker following her Parisian debut, leading men to propose and women to slick their hair with Baker-fix,  was much like the economic boom fueled by tulips in 16th century Europe. She too was exotic, rare and unlike anything Parisians had ever seen. But Baker belongs to an exclusive sorority of women who throughout history made their mark by playing up their most exclusive qualities.

The first step for any woman who seeks to ply her trade as a modern day siren is to mine her 198329_10100128253261234_109271138_nown virtues. Take inventory of everything that makes you an original. This may be your apple cheeks, full lips, or flirtatious lashes. It may be a petite or a towering stature. It may be your laugh, your intensity, your dry wit, or intriguing depth. All of these qualities can be owned and exaggerated for seductive effect.

This is precisely my reason for creating The 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes Quiz as the first major feature of this website. I hope to give women a mirror in which to objectively examine their inner and outer virtues. Archetypes do this, by allowing us to understand the critical inner forces shaping our lives. They grant us the autonomy to boldly claim our most authentic selves, and they offer insight into the unique ways in which the world sees us.

How to be an ‘It’ Girl

There are other ways in which the world perceives our exclusivity. An in-demand object commands a great price. People can also be in demand. Celebrities and CEO’s are extreme examples. Celebrities are ‘hot’. They have social and erotic capital. We all want a piece of them because we want fame by association. Professionals at the top of their game are also in demand. They are busy running companies. They have limited time. Time with them is in effect scarce.

These are extreme examples but the same principles hold true for you and I. When we lead full lives that encompass our personal time, careers, family, friends, and the activities that make us feel most alive, we increase our demand. For one, our time, which is always precious, is limited and two– when a woman leads a life passion, pleasure and tedious self-care, her energy flourishes. Some men may call it your vibe… It’s a hard concept for them to grasp. But sensuality, yin, sex appeal, feminine energy, shakti, vibe– whatever you call it– when it is in great supply, people will want to be near you. People will literally crave your energy. Trust me on this one.

Exclusivity is something that is communicated tacitly. Human instinct is to infer value based on context. There are many ways that exclusivity may be implied. Living authentically is one. It says you are one of a kind, and comfortable being so. When you don’t try to ‘please’ your behavior says ‘take me or leave me’.  Upholding personal standards and boundaries is another way we communicate exclusivity. It silently communicates you have options.

There’s an even more insidious tactic that the greatest sirens have leveraged to their advantage. Triangles.

How Carolyn Bessette Snagged John F. Kennedy Jr.
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In 1988 People magazine named the 27 year old John F. Kennedy Jr. “the sexiest man alive”. The son of legendary siren and style icon Jacqueline Kennedy and former president John F. Kennedy, he was considered as close to American royalty as one could get. And accordingly, he kept in a rotation a glittering menagerie of women. By the time he’d reached his 30’s, he’d been linked to Madonna, Julia Roberts, Melanie Griffith, and blonde-bombshell Daryl Hannah, his on-again-off-again paramour who wanted more than anything to be his wife. Like the Greek god Hermes, John was dashing and fleet-footed. He loved women but he loved freedom more. No one could capture his heart until…

He met Carolyn Bessette, a tall, ethereal, ice blonde publicist for Calvin Klein with striking (not classically so) features and translucent eyes. They met at a pool party. Carolyn was with Michael Bergin, her sometime boyfriend, an aspiring model and doorman at the trendy Paramount Hotel. Carolyn wasn’t an actress, model or trust-fund baby— but she was a known “man eater”. She had an eye for powerful, famous men and she was an expert at driving them crazy.  An ex once told a reporter that Carolyn “would make you jealous and you tried to do it back, she’d ignore you. Then you go completely crazy.”

She was determined to win John, but he was the last to know. While dating John, she casually continued her ‘friendship’ with Bergin, using him as a valuable weapon. When John resorted to his playboy ways, she’d be sure to be photographed with her model boy-toy. No one thought she’d actually leave John, except for him.

Even when John asked her to marry him, in 1995, she took a move out of her soon-to-be mother-in-law’s playbook, and deferred her answer for months. Meanwhile, as she kept John on tenterhooks, she quietly booked the chapel ahead of time.

41kb0hmfakl-_sy344_bo1204203200_
Michael Bergin ultimately wrote about his experience as ‘The Other Man’ in this New York Times Best Seller.

Call it the harem effect. When we appear as an object of desire, we take aim at man’s willingness to conquer and possess. Triangles are an extreme tactic that must be employed tacitly and with restraint. You must allow the men in your life to come to their own conclusions. You don’t create triangles with your lips.

Sometimes they form casually– like when we are out socially, politely engaging  multiple men– maybe even  friends. Dating multiple men creates triangles. ‘Rotational dating’ as its called makes you  less available and men can sense when you aren’t desperate for you companionship. (Men want to be wanted, not needed) And then there’s the methodical approach to deliberately  leaving clues, like Carolyn did, that another man is after our heart. It helps if this is really true.

One Final Note

All sirens have preternatural gift of inciting curiosity, isolating her paramour, and cultivating her highest qualities. Curiosity, isolation and exclusivity are the three critical ingredients in any seduction— but there is one more principle worth mention.

There are some diners who return to Le Diner en Blanc excitedly year after year—- and there are others who would rather host a picnic in their own backyard. That’s the thing about seduction– charm is never one size fits all.  Thousands of people walk past the Tiffany’s window every day without ever entering the store, yet the price of the jewels never change.

The most seductive women on the planet are charming, enchanting and bold–but more than anything, they don’t allow others to define their worth.

Be who you are. The world will adjust.

xo,
Ayesha

This is Part III of a three part blog series titled “How to Seduce a Man: 3  Principles Every Woman Must Know”. Read Part I (Few can resist a mystery) here and read Part II (Isolation inspires intimacy) here.

The Art of Seduction Part II: Isolation

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This is a continuation of a three-part series titled “How to Seduce A Man: 3 Principles Every Woman Must Know”. If you haven’t already, please begin with Part I.  

I can remember the bonding that began the moment I arrived to the departure location for Le Diner en Blanc. It was just outside of Brooklyn’s Barclays from where our group guide would lead us to an unknown location. Dressed in all white— we stood apart from the drab concrete jungle. Naturally, we began to talk amongst ourselves—mostly  exchanging war stories of hauling tables and chairs on New York City public transportation.

This group bonding progressed as we played follow-the-leader through the turn stiles,  spilling out onto the subway platform like a  bottle of white out. We noticed the puzzled expressions of the commuters. They weren’t in on the secret. This made us feel closer. And by the time we arrived to our surprise location, it was as if we were long time friends.

The Second Principal of Seduction

There is a reason why couples take romantic getaways and cult leaders lure  converts to  compounds in a faraway place. There’s a reason why sororities, fraternities, gangs and secret societies practice covert handshake and greetings. People bond over secrets and shared experiences. These are both forms of isolation, and as you’ll discover in the following text, isolation inspires intimacy.

There are two forms of isolation; physical and psychological. Physical isolation occurs when an individual is placed in an unfamiliar environment and   feeling insecure, overly relies on the social cues of others. 

1151180_29f8_1024x2000During the prelude to their liaison, vicomtesse Josephine Bonaparte famously invited Napoleon to one of her weekly soirees where she’d be surrounded by leading intelligentsia,  beautiful women and a gaggle of male admirers.[emaillocker id=1335] Napoleon at the time was a ruthlessly ambitious, womanizing, socially awkward 26 year old who’d made a name for himself on the battle field. In spite of his astonishing military prowess, the young general felt  completely out of his element in Josephine’s salon, leading him to earnestly seek the company of his exotic hostess. From that night on, Napoleon submitted to Josephine.

This of course was her plan all along.

Back to our case study– Le Diner en Blanc employs this same kind of physical isolation to lead its diners deeper into the seductive experience. Imagine, 5,000 people traveling from all corners of New York City to an unknown destination, completely at the mercy of a group leader. These people, already subject to the horror of wearing white post-Labor Day, are hauling everything but the kitchen sink and  much like Napoleon upon meeting Josephine, feel completely out of their element. Hence, they look to each other for reassurance and quickly form social bonds.

Isolation can be used intentionally for seductive strategy, but, as when new paramours meet for cocktails, it is a natural aspect of human interaction. It is virtually impossible to form an intimate bond with someone without it.

The Most Important Kind of Isolation

Physical isolation gives men the upper hand because in our culture, men are expected to extend the invitation i.e. inviting a woman to an intimate restaurant, his home, or away for a long weekend. Men pick up on the power of isolation at an early age. By the time they come of age, they’ve learned, if nothing else , that getting a woman alone is critical in getting her to surrender.  In fact, if you browse any Pick-Up Artist (PUA) literature, ‘isolating the victim’ (pathetic choice of terms) is a widely-touted maneuver. But it has its shortcomings  because for one, the partner must be willing, and two, eventually  you must part ways.

Psychological isolation is far more subtle, powerful and as you’ll soon discover,  it gives women the upper hand.  Psychological isolation occurs when people share secrets, mutual experiences, or become mentally preoccupied with another person, idea, or task.   Quite common in everyday interaction, it is employed, often unwittingly, by  parents, bosses, and the lovers who make us swoon.

I only think of you on  two occasions, that’s day and night .- Babyface

The Seductive Exchange of Secrets

For college, I attended an institution known for its secret societies, the most infamous of which, rumor has it, requires new taps to confess their deepest secrets, including past sexual exploits. Though this sounds more like locker room antics, it is fitting that a group literally entombed in secrecy would employ this tactic to bond its newest members.

Secrets are social cement. They are the ties that bond families, best friends, lovers, co-conspirators, and sometimes even casual acquaintances. Consider the brief intimacy one feels when sharing an inside joke or how clever sales men always seem to “let you in on a little secret” when trying to gain your trust.

If curiosity is what incites seduction, then the exchange of intimate information propels it forward. This is a balancing act as those two truths are essentially at odds— we are captivated by people we can’t figure out, yet feel connected to those with whom we’ve exchanged personal information. Seduction requires both intrigue and deep emotion. How do we sustain both?

A Woman’s Work

At the beginning of a liaison, women are typically tasked with elevating the connection from cerebral to emotional. This is one of our unique gifts and among the reasons that mermaids  are most often portrayed as women. Sirens and mermaids symbolize our preternatural ability to move between land and sea, or head and heart. Women are guides, and we lead by example

sirenwaterhouseAn enticing dress doesn’t reveal the entire body. It shows, perhaps, a slither of thigh or a bare back. Seductive dialogue accomplishes the same goal. It incorporates selective disclosure— revealing enough to establish intimacy while still maintaining intrigue. The spirit of such conversation is based in candor and emotional honesty. It could be a rousing discussion of your passions that that makes your eyes sparkle, or even confessing your deepest fear. This spirit of openess and a willingness to display genuine emotion tacitly permits your partner to do the same.

Still, the act of revealing oneself should not be misinterpreted as over-sharing or even being an open book. Secrets are often so powerful that when prematurely exchanged, one might  bolt under the pressure. In seduction, information is currency. Spend wisely.

Mutual Experiences

What do church picnics, high school pep rallies and gang initiations have in common?

These are just a few examples of orchestrated events designed to solidify group bonds through shared experience. Like the exchange of secrets, shared experiences are capable of cultivating instinctive feelings of intimacy and closeness. This may be a group of young men who become ‘brothers’ while undergoing an intense fraternity pledge process. This may be a new couple that grows closer while stranded on the side of the highway. Whether elation or crisis, a unique experience solidifies the bond between two people more readily than any length of time.

Consider the instant bond felt with strangers of the same heritage, people who grew up in your  old neighborhood, or practice your profession? Nothing seems to connect people faster than discovering common ground.  The constant force of group affiliations exemplifies mental isolation on a macro level, but on a micro-level– when two people share a unique experience–this kind of isolation can be devastating.

Mis En Scene

The greatest sirens understood the value of shared experience and would set the stage for seduction.

They were maestras of the  ‘mis en scene’.

Cleopatra arrived at Ceasar’s feet rolled up in a carpet, having been smuggled into his lawrence_alma-tadema-_anthony_and_cleopatrachambers during the middle of the night. She greeted her next great lover, Mark Antony, on a magnificent gold barge on the river of Cydnus, where beautiful young women danced as she evoked the love goddess Aphrodite.

The American siren Wallis Simpson once invited Prince Edward to her Fourth of July party to celebrate his ancestor’s loss of the colonies over fried chicken and black bean soup— a far cry Buckingham Palace fair.

And on her first date with Prince William,  Kate Middleton, looking to make a little joke, moved to curtsey, lost her footing, fell over and caused him to spill a drink on himself. Terribly awkward, but I mention Kate’s story to reiterate my point… It doesn’t matter if the experience is positive or negative, it need only be memorable.

A modern siren might suggest a walk in the park just as the cherry blossoms are blooming,  dinner in the dark, or she may invite her paramour to her home for a soiree where, like Empress Jospehine, she is the star of the show. Your goal is to set the stage for a one-of-a kind experience, but don’t feel like you need to sky dive (unless you’re in to that sort of thing). Choosing an engaging activity or setting that puts your paramour slightly out of his element is a great start.

Isolation by Distraction

What captures your attention, controls your life. That is an extreme statement that rings wholly true. The trouble is, in matters of captivation, hind sight is 20/20. By definition, one realizes his  attention has been captured only after it has been released.

Who and what we focus on controls our thoughts, feelings and actions. This is why the stakes mind-control-10for your attention are so high. Consider the millions of dollars brands spend each year for a mere fraction of your focus. They understand the power of exposure. The more time you spend contemplating a subject, the more influence that subject has on you.

Your long term success, as a lover, a parent or even a business woman, often depends on winning the attention of others. In seduction, this is critical.  You want to be the woman that, like smoke, consumes a man, even when you’re nowhere around.

Enter His Mind

This leads me to the final, and most powerful form of isolation— entering the mind. When a person is preoccupied with a task or thought, they are in essence isolated from external stimuli. There is little mental space for competing thoughts. In our world of constant distraction, mental isolation is much harder to achieve, especially on a busy target, but it is an absolutely essential aspect of seduction.

At the most basic level, mental isolation occurs when we are hyper-focused on the task at hand. Parents who fill their children’s calendar with extracurricular activities so that they ‘stay out of trouble’ are unwittingly engaging in mental isolation.

Employers do the same when they assign busy work, even during slow periods at the firm.  In fact, the practice of mental isolation  is so common in the American workplace, one study* suggests that roughly 50% of all the work employees do “fails to advance the organizations’ strategies.” In other words, it is work designed to keep employees mentally isolated, and less likely to spend their free time on personal projects, evaluating their situation or even searching for a new job.

Here’s how to mentally isolate a man…

Embrace Enigma

Have you ever binge-watched a show on Netflix? Or finished reading a gripping thriller in two days?

Humans are hardwired to dislike vague, hazy or incomplete things. In psychology, this is called the Ziegernik effect and it explains our quasi-need for resolution. Without a sense of completion,  we experience a dynamic state of tension that hangs over our heads (like a long to-do list) triggering intrusive thoughts.

In part I of this blog series, I  describe the power of complex personality in seduction. When a person possesses seemingly contradictory qualities,  Marilyn Monroe’s girlish sexuality being the textbook example, they are in essence walking cliffhangers. They never quite make sense, so we spend time thinking about them, striving for resolution. We experience this same unease when people send us mixed signals or keep us in suspense. These types of people invade our thoughts by  triggering our intrinsic need to understand.

HINT: Everyone has contrasting elements to their personality. What are yours and how can you dramatize them? If you need help, take the seduction archetype quiz and compare your primary and secondary archetype.

The Power of Unpredictable

I once had a news director who was totally unpredictable. On some days, she was affable and friendly, enlivening our morning editorial meetings with clever jokes. At other times she was callous and cruel, apt to publicly humiliate an underling at any given time. Can you guess how we behaved towards her? We bent over backwards for her approval. We walked on egg shells.

It wasn’t that we were fascinated by her obvious contrasting personality—  she also influenced us by tapping into our deep desire for validation.

And here is the final, and most intoxicating means of filling a person’s mind.

Often people who exert an inordinate pull  on others, like my old boss, do so by tapping into seductive,couch,jackvettriano,legs,painting,seduction-094ad001183cadc86e8e31a0a0ad76ef_hour deepest egocentric needs. We all have basic ‘wants’ ,  like food, sex and money, but seductive people satisfy our intrinsic need. They scratch the hard-to-reach itch, like our desire for a sense of power, hope or validation. Seductive people are masters at  identifying and filling in the missing piece. They appeal to the person we aspire to be, and in exchange for the euphoric feelings they give us, we give them our loyalty and undivided attention.

Anyone who’s ever longed for emotional reciprocity or waited by the phone understands power of  this sort of mental isolation. Once we’ve experience pleasure, we long to experience it again.  Take my old boss. We worked much harder for her than we  would have for a boss that was always pleasant, or always cruel. If she was constantly pleasant, we’d take her good nature for granted. If she was consistently  cruel, we’d consider our efforts futile. But because we knew that sometimes she could be very nice, she appealed to our desire to prove ourselves and seek validation from someone who was selective in giving it.

Perhaps one of the greatest ironies about pleasure is that when we receive it all of the time, we get bored. It is only when a pleasurable experience is intermittently reinforced that we begin to crave it— and idealize it. Put in another way, in seduction, half the fun is in the wanting.

To Seduce is to Die as Reality

French philosopher Jean Baudrillard once famously wrote, “to seduce is to die as reality and reconstitute oneself as an illusion”. The greatest seducers know that they are human, just like the rest of us, but they’ve developed a preternatural talent for inspiring deep, euphoric, all-consuming love. To those who fall under their spell, they are not human– they are fantasies come to life.

[/emaillocker]When cupid fires his arrow, the love struck feels both pleasure and the sting of pain. In seduction, the two are marvelously entertwined. You too can consume a man, in the same manner that a drop of cream infuses black coffee, but in order to accomplish this longing, you must supply the two ingredients of love; both agony and ecstasy.

xo,
Ayesha

This is Part II of a three-part blog series titled “How to Seduce  A Man: 3 Principles Every Woman Must Know”. Part I reveals the first principle; few can resist a mystery. Part III reveals why you must be one-of-a-kind. Subscribe below to receive  my weekly letter containing original case-studies, videos and articles that you won’t find on the site– or anywhere else on the web.

*Peterson, Brent D., and Gaylan W. Nielson. Fake Work: Why People Are Working Harder than Ever but Accomplishing Less, and How to Fix the Problem. New York: Simon Spotlight Entertainment, 2009. Print.