Power

On Respectability Politics: Why Fierce Women Misbehave

Pop icon Janet Jackson found herself on the scorching end of a media firestorm following news that she was divorcing her billionaire husband, Wissam Al Manna, a mere 5 years after marriage and 3 months after giving birth.

The questions and name-calling ensued. Is she a gold digger? Was she in it for the baby all along?

We’ll never know, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. Women like Janet don’t ask permission, or seek validation in the eyes of society– and yet they make history.

From Cleopatra to Eartha Kitt, when we study the history of the most phenomenal women to walk the Earth, you discover that they all defy rules of respectability. They flout convention, rise to power, start movements and wars, enrapture men, and above all, they never–ever–hesitate to put themselves first.

Powerful women don’t follow rules, they follow their heart.

There is an unwritten code of ethics to which women are expected adhere– cultural expectations of how we behave, how we love, mother, and connect to the opposite sex. These ‘respectability politics’ signify the way we police each other, and the way men police us. These notions of female chastity, purity, beauty and goodness weren’t created to empower us. They were made to check our ambition and control our sexuality.

Maybe respectable women don’t marry for money. Maybe they don’t divorce their husbands three months after giving birth. They don’t put their desires first. But guess what? Powerful women (sometimes) do.

Our notion of feminity as being soft, accommodating, considerate and ‘nice’ holds us back.It prevents us from initiating the bold moves necessary to create a life of meaning. As you’ll see in this video, the women who make history– the politicians, the activists, the sirens, and the stars– all behaved ‘badly’ at one point or another. Like Maxine Waters, they raised hell. Like Josephine Baker, they danced provocatively. Like Coco Chanel, they took on lovers. Like Martha Stewart, they built empires, and made enemies.

It’s important for any human being to have a firm moral compass, but any woman who aspires to acquire power or resources, or the very least, to a life of her choosing, can not be afraid to be misbehave. ‘Nice’ women finish last.

-Ayesha

The founder of Women Love Power®, Ayesha K. Faines is a writer, media personality, and brave new voice for feminine power and social change. Sought after for her provocative insights on culture, mythology and gender politics, she has been featured on MTV, Essence, Entertainment Tonight, The Michael Baisden Radio Show, AfroPunk, and Time among other media outlets. She’s traveled the world lecturing before a number of universities, and she pens a column for Zora Magazine that explores the intersection of love and power. She is best known as a featured panelist on “The Grapevine”. Ayesha is a graduate of Yale University and a former television journalist.

www.womenlovepower.com

The “Goddess Complex” aka How to Play Games You Can’t Lose

“Do whatever it takes. This is a hustle.”

I’ll never forget the woman who christened my TV career with those frank words of wisdom. She was the head of on-air talent at NBC Universal– the woman responsible for turning the likes of Tamron Hall and Brian Williams into household names–and I was a plucky 21 year old who’d talked my way into the C-suite of 30 Rockefeller Plaza.

I sat breathlessly as she watched my demo tape– a bootleg collection of fake news reports I cobbled together as a summer intern, in hopes that someone might catch a glimmer of star quality in a girl with big hair and a mild speech impediment.

Her feedback was blunt. She told me I was green (the industry euphemism for terrible) and headed straight for a world of rejection.

And then she swiveled in her chair, looked me dead in the eye, and promised me I would make it.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

I did. I became a local news reporter three months after graduation and I owe it all to her.

I wish I could say she placed a high-level phone call, right then and there, on my behalf. I had no such luck.

The only thing she did was tell me I would make it— and I believed her.

Armed with the belief that success was inevitable, even if not immediate, I became fearless. The deluge of rejections I received from news directors around the country never fazed me. I ignored the ‘grown-ups’ who told me I was being unrealistic.

Instead, I used my graduation money to fly to a media conference in Chicago where, dressed in my very best pantsuit, I handed those terrible tapes to anyone who’d have them. That is how I met my first boss– the woman who put me on air.

And at the tender age of 22, I had learned the lesson of a lifetime .

Fulfilling our desires has little to do with preternatural talent, beauty or luck and everything to do with adopting this mindset:

Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Winners win because they expect to win.

How to Play Games You Can’t Lose

We have little control over how the events of our life unfold, but we do control our interpretation and response.

When we play games we can’t lose, we expect to win– and every event that occurs, whether positive or negative, is simply working to move us forward. In this playbook, failure doesn’t exist. Neither does fear.

This is the attitude that separates the creme from the crop.

Most people are primed, beginning in childhood, to view failure as fatal. Failure is perceived as some sort of moral shortcoming, a blemish on our character, or even karma’s bitchy wrath. It means we did wrong. We are flawed. It checks our faith and brings forth our deepest insecurities. Failure is uncomfortable and as such, we resist at all costs.

In our attempts to curb failure, we play small. We avoid the bold risks that lead to real change. We end up lusting for things instead of really activating the faith it takes to attain them.

Even worse, when people sense our fear of failure, they take our power.

When a man senses you are afraid to lose him, he loses the incentive to demonstrate his commitment. A boss that knows you are afraid to exercise your options, has little incentive to promote your talent. A client who senses you need their business has no incentive to pay you your worth.

A New Definition of Success

We often define success so narrowly that we practically guarantee a loss.

When life gets tricky, we lose sight of the big picture and become obsessed with individual outcomes. We get wrapped up in winning over one particular man when the ultimate goal is deep, committed love. We give up after one failed business venture when the ultimate goal is economic independence. We rue over one failed ‘vegan challenge’ when the ultimate goal is simply a tighter tummy or better health.

We forget that ‘failure’ is merely feedback, and a signal to move forward, perhaps via a different road. Instead, so many stop just short of their destiny, derailed by the inevitable twists and turns of the journey.

When you surrender to the process, when you demonstrate the radical trust of which all women are enormously capable, that is when you begin to play games you absolutely can not lose.

How to Slay On and Off the Court

“I just never give up. I fight to the end. You can’t go out and say, ‘I want a bag of never-say-die spirit.’ It’s not for sale. It has to be innate.” -Serena Williams

When I think of women who play games they can’t lose– I think of Serena Williams. (Though every woman on my G.O.A.T. list qualifies.)

With 23 grand slams under her belt, this is a woman who knows how to win. Her entire career has been built on defying expectations. She shrugged of those who ridiculed her muscles and her curves. She ignored those who doubted she could prevail well into her thirties. She even ignored those who labeled her confidence, arrogance.

And that’s not even taking into account her wins off the court– her romantic hit list is a sampling of Hollywoods most notorious–and enticing– bachelors.

That’s why people were shocked when she announced her engagement to Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian. She’d kept the relationship under wraps (smart woman) and few even knew they were dating. In fact, the gossip blogs, for years, had been playing a game of ‘Guess-Which-Ex’ — as early as a month prior to her engagement announcement, rumors swirled that she’d reconciled with her long time romance, hip-hop heartthrob Common.

But women like Serena don’t make u-turns.

On and off the court, she doesn’t lose sight of her ultimate goal. She plays to win. And she has never allowed anyone– no man ( no matter how intoxicating), critic or opponent, to derail her .

This is what I call the “goddess complex”, an unshakeable belief in oneself that unlike the pseudo-psychological “god complex”, is rooted in healthy self-awareness.

How to Win… in Love

As women living in a society where rules of the game were largely established by men for the benefit of men, it is imperative that we bring this “goddess complex” in to the realm of love.

One of my favorite sayings is “people enter your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime”.

For me, growing up meant learning to tell the difference.

It’s easy, during the initial stages of romance, to fantasize about a lifetime of happiness with the interesting man sitting across from you at dinner– but that’s a slippery slope.

Every man we encounter on this journey to deep, lasting, spirit-based intimacy is not meant to be a soulmate.

Some men come into our lives bringing pleasure. Some men bring us wisdom. Some relationships, even those that end in heartbreak, bring us greater inner-strength and self-awareness. You may meet men who introduce you to new experiences, new people, or challenge you in exciting ways. You may meet game-changing men who bring you deeper into the depths of intimacy. Some men are in fact in your life soley to prepare you for the real love you seek.

We run into trouble when we try to make seasonal men the love of a lifetime. Not only do we sabotage our chances of encountering the real love we crave– we often overlook the ‘gift’ of the liaison.

All love begins with authenticity and intention. Honor your authenticity. Set you intention. And then surrender, completely, to the process. This is the only way to truly enjoy men, and lets face it, romance should be about pleasure.

The irony is that the more we are capable of loving with a light touch, the more the men in our lives crave being near us.

By raising our expectation, we raise our vibration and our energy shifts in palpable ways.

You develop something greater than courage and confidence– you develop conviction, the sense that nothing can stand between you and your destiny. You stop operating from a place of fear– and start acting from a place of love, deep self love. This changes the power dynamic in every relationship. You begin to attract the people and opportunities that are aligned with your best interests.

When you expect to win– you literally change the game.

How to Adopt a “Goddess Complex” in 3 Minutes or Less

It’s no secret that most people live their lives avoiding failure, and yet find it at every corner.

You can forever shift this power dynamic by shifting your mindset. In fact, by the time you finish reading this passage you will have adopted what I call a “goddess complex”.

Unbeknownst to you, you probably already have a “Goddess complex”, but only in certain situations.

Like driving.

Driving is as liberating as it is dangerous. Every time you get behind the wheel there are a number of potentially fatal events that can happen. And yet, every day, we pile into the drivers seat and push the gas.

As we head for our destination there are red lights, traffic snarls, detours, tolls, accidents, slow pedestrians, fender benders and bouts of road rage– and yet none of these occurrences, aside from complete catastrophe, deter us from arriving at our destination.

Why?

Because we totally expect to arrive. If we, for a moment truly doubted our ability to arrive safely, we wouldn’t drive in the first place. We’d be too scared!

But society doesn’t condition us to fear driving. Society conditions us to fear the big stuff– like romantic rejection, starting anew, or pursuing our wildest dreams.

But these destinations are no different than those on the map. When you drive, the only thing that matters is that you know where you’re going and you trust that you’ll arrive.

The same principle applies to everything thing else you desire in life.

One Final Note

Women at the top of their game succeed because failure is NOT in their playbook.

Think about your greatest desires– not those that have been chosen for you. Not the dreams you feel you should have. Consider the visions you have for your life that speak to your spirit.

Remember this, so long as you are willing to play the game all the way to the end– you can not fail.

No one and nothing can stand between you and destiny.

So love like a goddess. Work like a goddess. Live like a goddess.

You are indomitable. The world is yours for the taking.

With persistence and power,

Ayesha

The whole world steps aside for the woman who knows where she is going…

www.womenlovepower.com

Why Women Must Love Power

They say men want power, and women want love. I want both.

And I bet you do too.

All too often, we assume that women don’t desire power— that we prefer to be near power, or perhaps make love to power–anything but in actual possession of it.

That’s nonsense.

You can easily debunk that myth by pointing to the marches that took place following the presidential inauguration, as women all over the world (and their allies) campaigned for the safety and freedoms of womankind. It was an uprising of love, a rejoinder far greater than politics, and it was, by all means, a declaration of power.

The truth is, women really do love power, but we often give it away.

Sometimes this surrender takes the form of sharing the best of ourselves with undeserving men, or subscribing to a beauty culture designed to trap us in an endless spiral of insecurity and hope. We hand over our power every time we suppress our sensuality, downplay our wit, or apologize for being ambitious.

Most often, we give up power in exchange for being liked.

“When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less.” -Sheryl Sandberg, Lean In

Robin Givens plays the quintessential femme fatale in the 1992 romantic comedy *Boomerang*, leading a woman’s man (played by Eddie Murphy) to his temporary ruin. Her exquisite character is a modern example of how women can assert their power in relationships and career.

It’s no wonder that the very idea of feminine power is often just as uncomfortable for women as it is for the men in their orbit. Powerful women were once burned at the stake. In movies, powerfully seductive women, femme fatales, are fated to get their comeuppance. Even the words that we use to describe feminine attraction– ‘seduction’, ‘mesmerize’, ‘charisma’, ‘charm’—were all originally associated with witch craft and dark arts.

But there is nothing inherently dark about us.

Feminine power is intelligence paired with psychic intuition. It is radical creativity, comfort in the depths of emotion, sacred sensuality, access to healing energy and the ability to persuade without action or words. Feminine power is power we can’t touch, yet can feel. It is invisible, overwhelming and virtually indestructible.

Our strength is rooted in love. When women lead, we prioritize cooperation over division and creation over destruction. Feminine power manifests itself in collective action– in the formation of networks that bring about positive change. Our power affirms the sanctity of human life.

Power is not about having control over others; it’s about control over your voice, your body, your energy and your destiny. This is why power, for women, is absolutely necessary.

It is being able to express who you are in the world unapologetically.

It is loving you, taking care of your needs, and honoring what makes you happy. It is living and loving on your own terms.

We need power, especially if we desire to set our own personal agenda.

Personal power gives us the confidence to attract people and opportunity. Will power gives us the fortitude to play the game all the way to the end. Intellectual power is the knowledge we need to craft our own destiny. Creative power is the ability to manifest that destiny. Social and economic power improves our circumstances and ultimately affords us the means to make our world a better place.

As women, we don’t have to choose between being feminine and powerful. It’s not a trade off. Authentic femininity is powerful, and it is the way forward.

Nobody gives you power. You just take it. -Roseanne Barr

xo,

Ayesha

*This post is a reprint of my January newsletter. To get advice on feminine power and seduction sent to your inbox, hit the button below.

www.womenlovepower.com

Part III: How Feminine Energy Translates into Real Power

(Part III of a four-part video series.)

In Western societies, there’s a word for masculine energy. It’s ‘power’. The traits that we associate with power (assertiveness, emotional objectivity, physical strength etc.) are all aspects of masculine energy. Masculine energy is not exclusive to men, it is a manifestation of left hemispheric brain function– a mode of relating to the world that evolved to accommodate the earliest human hunters. Feminine energy is a manifestation of right hemispheric brain function which evolved to accommodate the equally critical tasks of gathering and nurturing. Traits associated with femininity are often seen as the opposite of power. We are criticized as women for being too emotional, sexually empowered, creative, or even relying on our gut. But in this video, I explain how these feminine traits are not only powerful, but they are the necessary counterpart to power as we know it.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

www.womenlovepower.com

Why Queens Have the Most Power

The Woman Who Changed The Game

The Arabs introduced the game of chess to Spain during the 8th century, but it wasn’t until 1495, when Isabella, Queen of Castille, reached the height of her powers, that the queen became the most powerful piece on the board. In real life, Isabella, the monarch who unified Spain and sent Christopher Columbus on an epochal voyage, was the most powerful person in all of Europe. Yet even still, to the people of Spain, King Ferdinand mattered most. Ferdinand was a figurehead, and although his wife eclipsed him in real power and influence — he served as a walking, breathing, symbol of Spanish sovereignty.

For thousands of years, men have used patriarchy as a means of dominating the systems and institutions of civilization. They are often the figureheads of companies, movements and families, but like the king on the chessboard, this form of power has limits.

I am reminded of the late Fidel Castro who survived 634 assassination attempts. When the sovereignty of a kingdom rests on the welfare of a single person, that person, no matter how omnipotent, is a walking liability.

Masculine power is sustained by real structures– and anything real can be dismantled and destroyed. Fortresses, skyscrapers, rigid hierarchies, laws, armies and intimidating displays of force–all of these traditional signs of authority project an illusion of impenetrability, but quite the opposite is true. We read about the vulnerable nature of masculine power structures in news headlines each day, in stories about insurgents, corporate takeovers, and political upsets.

The paradox of masculine power is that the more impressive it is, the more vulnerable it becomes. Masculine power must constantly affirm itself in order to exist. It is always ‘doing’– performing, acquiring, coercing, and ultimately defending its viability. Perhaps this is the real reason power corrupts.

Masculine power is like the king on the chessboard, plodding along one square at a time, much like our conscious mind wanders from thought to thought and action to action. The game revolves around the king, but he is at the mercy of those who flank him. Alone, he is weak.

Chess reflects the real world.

“Feminine” vs. “Masculine” Power

Movies like The Godfather exemplify patriarchal authority, and the need for masculine power structures to constantly (and often violently) assert, and reaffirm themselves.

In western society, traditional leadership is masculine in nature. It is rooted in our left hemispheric brain function, the hemisphere that biologists believe evolved during the Paleolithic to accommodate hunter/killer instinct in humans. Masculine power favors emotional objectivity, logic, convergent thinking, assertiveness, a willingness to kill— and by default, men. Big surprise, masculine power structures inherently favor men, and as such, in a patriarchal society–we define power in masculine terms.

Feminine power, by contrast, is a manifestation of our right hemispheric brain function, a neurodesign that first evolved to suit the critical gatherer/nurturer tasks of our earliest nomadic ancestors. Feminine values– intuition, emotionality, radical creativity, diffuse awareness, sensuality and nurturing–are typically relegated to the domestic sphere. These values are often viewed as the opposite of real power, and certainly overlooked as the necessary counterpart to ‘power’ in its masculine form.

In fact, some might even argue that the very term, “feminine power”, is an oxymoron.

(They would be wrong.)

Feminine power is invisible, overwhelming and virtually indestructible.

It exists in the seat of our subconscious. Like the queen on the chessboard, with the ability to move in any direction, feminine power is diffuse, arresting in ways that can neither be anticipated nor destroyed. Seduction, emotional persuasion, symbols and signs are all potent aspects of feminine power.

She Who Has the Ultimate Power

It is far easier to free the body than it is to free the mind.

Masculine power controls the body. Feminine power controls the subconscious mind. Masculine power takes. Feminine power never has to ask.

Masculine power reigns over the real,material world. It is power we can see and feel–and anything that is real can be destroyed. Feminine power is invisible and thus virtually indestructible.

You can burn a flag, but nothing can destroy the flags meaning. You can attack a place of worship, but you can’t dissolve the beliefs.

When I think about feminine power, I picture those women who can disarm their toughest opponents, or leverage their powerful networks to accomplish their goals. I think about those women who can fill a room with their presence, and get the answer ‘yes’ without ever asking a question.

I think about captivating brands that rouse our deepest feelings of identity, and the mesmerizing films that project our innermost dreams. I think about the lovers who make us feel like magic, the art the captures our breath, and the movements that motivate us to be the change. I think about how even the most masculine leaders pull the invisible strings of feminine power, employing charm and compelling image, to win their seats.

I think of women like Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and Leah Gbowee who lead the women of Liberia in the peaceful movement that helped bring an end to 14 years of a brutal civil war. They orchestrated the impossible by relying on feminine values of deep community and collaboration. They staged powerful silent protests– public spectacles that appealed to the senses. And yes, they even employed a sex strike.

These women exercised their authentic power in subversive ways and in doing so, accomplished what the male dominated society could not.

In a patriarchal society, it’s easy for a queen to aspire to move like a king, but perhaps you can see now, how unnecessary that is.

As partners, we make kings stronger. As mothers, we make kings.

And as sovereigns, we have the freedom to move, to explore, and to fill the world with our power, our presence and infinite creative potential. We are the necessary counterpart to power as we know it. The world needs our light.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

PS: What makes you powerful? Discover how you captivate with my unique, psychology backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes Questionnaire.

www.womenlovepower.com

What Separates Wishers From Winners

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. -Alice Walker

I recently sat on a sexuality panel where an interesting discussion around fairytales arose. One woman quipped that Disney princesses were horrible examples for women. Arielle in The Little Mermaid literally disfigures her body, abandons her family and gives up her voice… just to be with a man.

In the real world, you and I both know that this revisionist approach to romance doesn’t work. Every day, women ‘fix’ themselves, withhold their opinions, cook hot meals, pull out Cosmo-worthy tricks, invest in silly books about dating rules and the such— and they still end up in unfulfilling, emotionally lop-sided relationships.

I began to think about the generational telling and reimagining of classic “happily ever after” scenarios.

Are fairy tales and the rom-coms that are based on them just another way that we tell women to behave and wait patiently for hero? Have we all internalized these misleading blueprints for happily ever after. In our quest to live out our own fairytales— are we actually giving up our personal power?
Think about it. Left to her own devices, Cinderella would still be sweeping chimney ashes today. Her redemption was entirely dependent on outside forces– the divine intervention of a fairy god mother and a persistent prince. That is not power.

A powerful woman knows who she is, what she wants, and expresses herself to the world unapologetically.

Let me repeat that—

A powerful woman knows who she is, what she wants, and expresses herself to the world unapologetically.

Although staged, this photo capture the true dynamic of Salome's 'intellectual' threesome with Paul Ree and Friedrich Nietzsche. — Although staged, this photo captures the true dynamic of Salome’s ‘intellectual’ threesome with Paul Ree and Friedrich Nietzsche.

Empowerment is more than a buzz word. It is an act of individuation– distinguishing your true self from what has been artificially imposed by family and society. It is a willingness to live on your own terms and to do what you please. It is action. It is a refusal to wait. This is what separates women who WISH from women who WIN.

The most seductive women in history were strong-willed oddballs. They set out to be a woman like no other even when their true self directly opposed the norms.

Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel cavorted about in mens wear and dared to build a fashion empire. Salome was a devastatingly seductive psychoanalyst who wrote about female sexuality during the prude Victorian era. And in an industry filled with bombshells, Lucille Ball made a lasting name for herself as a screwball comedian.

These women refused to play nice and wait for their time to come.

The trouble is, our Cinderella culture teaches women that it is more important to be ‘liked’ than liberated. Many of us are trying to desperately squeeze our feet in glass slippers that don’t fit. Here’s the brutal truth: Women who play nice and live to please DON’T WIN. They miss out on opportunities to advance their personal, professional and romantic goals.

(You, of course, were born to win.)

Your life completely changes the moment you realize you are in control. No, every woman isn’t born with the same advantages… but any woman can live the kind of life she wants as long as she’s willing to take it.

There is no fairy god mother. If you want a castle— claim it. If you want a prince–decide you are worthy and when you’re opportunity arrives, for heaven’s sake….Seize the day.

You are enough. Everything that you are, and everything you are not, is enough.

The best way to achieve your happily ever after is to write the story your self.

Powerfully yours,

Ayesha

www.womenlovepower.com

What Beyonce’s ‘Lemonade’ Reveals About Seduction & The (Secret) Power of Women

Beyonce’s visual album Lemonade is a smorgasbord of decadent imagery flush with stunning cultural references, from a gloriously terpsichorean Serena Williams to the Egyptian queen Nefertiti. But as a seduction devotee, the evocation of Oshun emerges as one of the film’s most beautiful, “teachable” moments. Oshun, an archetypal symbol for the feminine principle, serves as a meaningful guide. Through her patakis, or stories, she reveals the secret power of women, and teaches us all the (lost) art of love.

beyonce-lemonade-water-doors — Beyonce channels the Yoruban diety Oshun in her spectacular visual album “Lemonade”.

In one of Lemonade’s now most iconic scenes, songstress (diva archetype) Beyonce Knowles emerges between double doors clad in a magnificent yellow dress. In one ecstatic moment, a torrent of water engulfs her and cascades down a flight of stairs as the barefoot beauty saunters in its wake. Sheathed in the orisha’s signature yellow and gold, water jettisoning about, Beyonce masterfully channels Oshun, the Yoruba deity of sweet waters, sensuality, creativity and abundance.

In the West African Yoruba spiritual tradition, orishas are intermediaries between humans and the creator. Like her love goddess counterparts, among them Venus, Aphrodite, and Astarte, Oshun is a divine reflection of mankind’s deep reverence for femininity in its highest expression; intelligence and intuition, emotional depth, unbridled eroticism, and the capacity for physical and psychic manifestation. Together, these qualities make up the feminine principle.

The feminine principal, also referred to as the sacred feminine, feminine mystique, sacral energy, shakti, or even yin, refers to the creative force from which all life emerges. This mysterious, feminine force is so awe-inspiring and inchoate, that in every culture, we find a love goddess who personifies it– Venus, Aphrodite, Innana, Astarte, Hathor, Mami Wati, and Xochiquetzal just to name a few.

A seductive women is instinctively aware of the “goddess” within her— even when a patriarchal society attempts to throw her off her game.

The precepts of seduction go back to the 25,000 year period when mankind worshipped at the alter of the goddess, and all modern day seductions are infused with this same mystical impulse. A seductive woman is instinctively aware of the “goddess” within her— even when a patriarchal society attempts to throw her off her game. She reverses the artificial male advantage and reclaims woman’s natural erotic supremacy. Her presence is charged, her affections hard-won, and her love is positively transformational.

A Case Study: How Oshun Seduces Ogun

Though often portrayed as a coquettish young woman, Oshun is one of the most powerful orishas in the pantheon. In many instances, where others fail, Oshun triumphs, often using her cleverness and feminine wiles to achieve her goals.

The story of how Oshun leads war god Ogun, out of the forest and back to society is charged with meaning. Mostly, it underscores the power of the feminine to seduce, and ultimately subvert, the masculine.

As the story goes:

Ogun became angry one day and took off for the woods. Because Ogun rules modern civilization, in his absence, all the machines stopped working and cities began to fall apart. Each one of the Orishas tried in vain to get him to return. Finally, Oshun, clad in a beautiful ensemble went to the forest. She had her “honey pot” tied around her waist as usual. She began to dance and as she moved, fluidly as the rivers snaking over the landscape, Ogun watched her from afar. She kept dancing and he kept getting closer. When he got within arms reach of her she dipped her hand into her honey pot and then smeared some of the honey onto his lips. Needless, to say, he returned home.

Oshun never petitions Ogun to leave the forest. She is the only orisha that does not resort to reason. She doesn’t beg or plead for him to follow her lead. She doesn’t try to convince him of her loyalty, her sexual prowess, or domestic supremacy. She does not audition.

In our slavish attempts to prove ourselves, and outdo our so-called competition, we often ignore the parts of ourselves that are truly seductive—- our sensuality, confidence, wit, vitality, and passion for life. How can we develop these qualities if we are fraught with concern over the shape of our breasts or saying the “right” thing over dinner?

Women are often groomed to treat dating like American Idol, but unless you are a performing artist, you weren’t put on earth to audition for men.

As sociobiologist Marry Batten says “unless subverted by deceit or usurped by force” the females are the choosy sex, discriminating among men who compete for their attention. Seductive women inherently understand their biological supremacy and behave as such.Oshun’s story precedes contemporary patriarchy and reveals true feminine power— something from which men have tried to divert us for about 5000 years.

Feminine Prowess Subverts Masculine Power… Every Single Time

Oshun quite literally seduces Ogun, that is she “leads him astray” and out of the woods, not with convincing rhetoric, but with signs and symbols. She appears before him, beautifully adorned. She bathes herself in the sweet waters, laughs and dances ecstatically . She exploits those things that can not be said, in order to lead her man out of the wilderness, and back into his true self.

The feminine is not what opposes the masculine, but what seduces the masculine.

-Jean Baudrillard

On the most basic philosophical level, the tale of Ogun and Oshun helps us identify feminine seduction as the far more insidious and subversive alternative to both sex and power.

As humans, we are chained to a physical world, but seduction exists in the sublime symbolic realm- a creative language that speaks in the form of colors, smells, objects, shapes, art, poetry, riddles, images and metaphor. This is the real reason we consider the act of applying scent or painting lips seductive– these acts belie reason. When we adorn the body, we sublimate ourselves by covering the body in signs.

Symbols are the most powerful force in the human experience because they are everywhere and nowhere at all. They are both immutable and indestructible. They completely bypass rational thought, affecting us indirectly, in ways completely beyond our control.

Consider if you will the word “cross”. Written down on a blank sheet of paper, it is both a noun, adjective and verb with about 50 different literal meanings. The moment I draw a cross on a sheet of paper, for many people, it transcends meaning and becomes a feeling, perhaps of deep faith, love, or even fervor. This is the power of the symbolic, feminine realm.

Sexuality as we understand it is a masculine construct. Masculinity and femininity, as we define them in contemporary society are both masculine constructs. (Feminity is thought to be everything masculine is not… women are masculine lite). Sex has boundaries. A beginning and end. It is like the word written on the page—linear, finite, and concrete.

Seduction exists on an entirely separate plane from sexuality. If power is mastery over the real universe, then seduction is mastery over the symbolic universe, and that is the ultimate form of persuasion.

In Order to Give Pleasure, You Must Know Pleasure

Oshun wears a honey pot tied around her waist, another reference to her womb and her feminine, sacral energy. Honey is a common motif in mythology, most often used to express the “sweet” aspects of femininity— sweetness, not as in docility, but pleasure. Honey represents the lure of pleasure– not unlike the siren’s song, or the matador’s cape– it is is the promise of sensual escape, and the idea, that we all long for transport.

Rarely as a society do we consider desire from a woman’s vantage point. Few female protagonists in popular culture describe desire in terms of what they want or what feels good to them. Most often we are the objects of desire. Which is why, sometimes it’s difficult for women to enjoy pleasure for the sake of pleasure. We are too used to giving it, to adequately receive it.

The idea that Oshun keeps her honey pot attached to her waste has dual meanings. On one level, it represents the association of honey with sexual release. On another level, tied to her waist it symbolizes pleasure within her– inner content.

Many of us are “empty”, seeking pleasure without— both in the arms of inept men and fleeting indulgences. I can’t help but think of the classic airplane safety admonition to place the oxygen mask over your face before assisting anyone else. The same concept applies to seduction. In order to give pleasure, you must first know pleasure.

Consider Oshun. She not only promotes fertility, but culture. She embodies the pursuit of pleasure, beauty and art for its own sake. She carries a mirror because she is self-aware and enamored with herself. Like narcicuss, she likes to look in a mirror or at her reflection in water. She loves herself. She is absorbed in her wonderful world.

Her nectar refers to ecstasy, the outcome of receiving pleasure and her ‘sweet’ feminine gifts to civilization— among them — beauty, art, poetry, music and dance, festival, storytelling, charm, and diplomacy.

We can’t seduce anyone without seducing ourselves first.

When we embrace our own sensuality, whether its by taking long, candle lit baths or salsa lessons, when we live in the moment and embrace the pleasures of life, humor and spontaneity, when we surround ourselves with wonderful people and pursue our passions—we keep our honey pots full. The French even have a name for women who embody this concept: quaintrelle, that is a woman who emphasizes a life of passion expressed through personal style, leisurely past times, charm and the cultivation of life’s pleasure. When embrace the sweetness in life, we become the bliss we seek. Only then can we attract from a place of fullness and authenticity.

She Slakes, And She Destroys

Like honey, water too is a common motif in goddess mythology, perhaps even more so. Aphrodite (aphros is greek for foam) rose from the sea. The Egyptian goddess Hathor is associated with the Nile. The Greek Sirens are sea creatures who used their dulcet voices to lure male sailors to their untimely end.

For millennia mankind has identified the life-giving and life-destroying powers of water with woman. And it makes sense. Life emerges from amniotic fluid. The process of gestation and childbirth began as one of the world’s great mysteries. Prehistoric women were associated with water breaking, menstruation, the moon, and the tide. The first calenders were likely synchronized with a woman’s flow. Month, moon, and menses are all linguistically connected.

Water is the ultimate metaphor for feminine, live-giving energy.

Oshun, too, falls in this category of love deities connected to water. As goddess of the rivers and “sweet waters” (sweet refers to fresh water), according to legend, women learned to move and dance seductively by watching Oshun snake across the landscape.

Beyond hypnotic motion, water is the ultimate metaphor for feminine, life-giving energy. When we are comfortable in the realm of the feminine we embody this lightness of being. We are protean, soft, receptive, yet impossible to grasp. We exude spontaneity, vitality and a sparkling quality, much like Oshun.

Water is associated with emotional depths, and the capacity of our own inner forces to sustain or overwhelm us. When we connect with feminine energy, we become like the Greek sirens, sea-fearing creatures with wings, as they could comfortably travel in and out the depths, playing the emotional scale all the while maintaining the ability to “fly above” and see things objectively. In the seat of feminine power, we lose our fear of oceanic emotions. We learn to swim— allowing our feelings to propel us forward, rather than drown us.

As mothers, sisters, lovers and confidantes, we are often the guide that lead men from their heads, to their hearts.

Water symbolizes abundance. Birth and rebirth. Regeneration. It shows us our natural ability to transform circumstances and even those around us. In greek myth, sirens were said to lure men into the watery, feminine realm where they drowned to death. Really, this myth, speaks of a symbolic death and rebirth– the ability of a woman to transform a man by guiding him into his self— increasing his capacity for compassion, selflessness, and ultimately heroism. As mothers, sisters, lovers and confidantes, we are often the guide that lead men from their heads, to their hearts.

Water is cyclical. It flows in perpetuity, symbolizing the cyclical nature of feminine seduction versus the linear concept of masculine sexuality that most of the world embraces. Male sexuality is expressed trough the erection, an orgasm, something that is finite and defined by boundaries. Sexuality as we know it is a masculine concept and it’s often hard to grasp feminine seduction because it falls entirely outside of this realm. It is nowhere to be found on the masculine axis. There is no beginning or end.

Seduction, as a feminine expression, is a challenge to seduce and to be seduced. It’s a ritual exchange, during which, sex is one plausible outcome. It is a playful game of romantic one-upmanship and it turns romance, as we’ve come to know it, upside down.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate?

Water can be soft and quiet. It can also rage and ruin. Floods, hurricanes and storms threaten to destroy the very life that rain water sustains.

One of the many, now iconic, images in Beyonce’s visual album Lemonade, is a joyful Beyonce taking measured swings with a baseball bat, destroying everything in her path. Meanwhile, fire hydrant water jettisons about her and playful children roam in her wake. The visual speaks to the other, less celebrated, aspect of Oshun’s persona. Like water, Oshun slakes and destroys.

As the protector of women and children, she helps women feel powerful, playful and sensual. She bestows civilization with the gifts of song, dance, beauty, and passion.

While Oshun is known for her eroticism, her lightness-of-being is interspersed with heartbreak and rage.

But ignore Oshun, or neglect her, and legend says, she will cut your throat with a knife she keeps concealed in her dress and laugh over your body. While Oshun is known for her eroticism, her lightness-of-being is interspersed with heartbreak and rage.

There are several patakis (stories) that describe her encounters with poverty, abandonment, heartbreak and devastation. Her greatest challenge, particularly during her early life, is that her enormous capacity to connect emotionally leaves her vulnerable to the ravages and abandonment.

Sound familiar?

The beautiful juxtaposition of elation and rage demonstrated in Lemonade symbolizes the two sides of Oshun… and the challenge for many women who love passionately. Feminine energy is a dualistic energy– it longs to connect. It represents the procreative force in all women, the one on which survival of the species hinges. Sometimes, when this consciousness is overwhelmingly present in a woman’s psyche, she may long for validation ( a form of connection) and find herself drawn to unrequited love or emotionally lop-sided relationships. Still, passionate women are not fated to feel rage– there is a means to evolve.

Your Pain is a Rite of Passage… And the Source of Your Transformation

Ultimately, darkness becomes her.

Much like the greek myth of Persephone, Oshun’s pain is a rite of passage. It forces her to look inward. It is during her most desperate hours that , that according to legend, Oshun taps into her deep spiritual powers and becomes a witch. This witchcraft and connection to the spiritual world symbolizes the universal aspects of grief– how in times of sorrow we develop our inner qualities– faith, resilience, and compassion . Oshun’s sorcery is a metaphor for our capacity to transform darkness and pain into power.

There are two tales of how Oshun finally achieves her happily ever after. In one, Orunla, the spirit of destiny, finds her and requests her hand in marriage. In the alternate tale, she marries Sango, the virile Orisha of thunder and lightening, justice and dance.

Regardless of ending, we know that Oshun, the youngest and most beautiful orisha, only finds lasting love when she develops her inner qualities, sheds the need for validation, and develops her potential for unconditional love, both for herself and her lover.

Lemonade is Beyonce’s personal Oshun story— a tale of love, heartbreak, and transformation. Like the goddess’ patakis, Lemonade celebrates a woman’s remarkable capacity to live and love with abandon, and to find her way out of darkness.

With Love and lemons,

Ayesha

PS: Oshun represents the “siren” archetype, unbridled sensual energy. Beyonce is the “diva“. Discover your most fascinating qualities with my original, psychology-backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes quiz or scroll down for free access to my weekly letter containing original case-studies, videos and articles that you won’t find on the site– or anywhere else on the web.