Women Love Power®

Feminine Power, Self Discovery & Sacred Sensuality by Ayesha K. Faines

Love

Part IV: How Feminine Energy Transforms Relationships

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In the 4th and final installment of this video series on feminine energy, discover the two qualities that deepen and transform romantic relationships. Masculine energy may lead with action, but feminine energy leads with feeling, and this is a critical aspect of any connection.

 

With powerful love,

Ayesha

Art of Seduction Part III: The Power of Exclusivity

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Value is in the Eye of the Beholder

tulip-maniaToday you can purchase a colorful  bouquet of  tulips from any florist or urban bodega for about the cost of two movie tickets, but in 16th Europe, a handful of tulips could be given in exchange for a house. A huge house.

When the first bulbs arrived the Netherlands in 1554 from the Ottoman Empire, they were were a novelty— lush,  exotic,  difficult to come by and  time-consuming to plant. The price of a bulb rose so astronomically that by 1637, a single bulb could feed, clothe and house a single dutch family for half a lifetime.

Like all speculative bubbles, the mania finally reached a tipping point, but not before men of all backgrounds, seduced by the  allure of these exotic flowers, poured their entire life savings in the frenzied tulip trade. In February of 1637, the market collapsed over night. Demand vanished and the flowers fell to a tenth of their former value.

It wouldn’t be the first time human lust rallied the price of an object to heights far beyond its intrinsic worth. In the centuries to follow, there would be gold, houses, company shares, dot-coms and beanie-babies subject to the same passion-fueled boom and bust. In the history of economic bubbles there lies  a powerful lesson in attraction: just like beauty, value is in the eye of the beholder.

The Third Seduction Principle

In cities across the globe, thousands of people happily pay money to haul their tables, chairs and packaged food to an undisclosed outdoor location in order to partake in the world’s largest, and perhaps most intriguing, picnic. It is called Le Diner en Blanc, and the pop-up phenomenon, with waiting-lists some 40,000 long, is a text book seduction.

Over the course of this three part series, I’ve used Le Diner as a case study to explain the three human truths that make seduction possible.

In Part I, I explained that few people  can resist a secret. In Part II, I demonstrated how isolation inspires intimacy.

Curiosity and isolation play a vital role in the Le Diner’s appeal, but for sure, the most seductive aspect is the simple fact that not everyone can go. There are 5,000 available spots and about 40,000 people hoping to get lucky.

Which leads me to the third and final,  which by now you may have guessed.

Everyone wants what they can’t have.

The Power of Exclusivity

In the 17th century lobster was fed to prisoners and indentured servants. In the 18th century, the crustaceans washed up along the east coast so abundantly  it was considered low-class food, designated for the poor.  In fact, it wasn’t until the 20th century, after over-fishing dramatically reduced the supply, that lobster was rebranded as a delicacy

Scarcity is a social phenomenon. We place higher value on an objects that are scarce than those that are in abundance.  In psychology this is called the scarcity heuristic, a cognitive shortcut by which we use an item’s availability, or perceived abundance, to quickly estimate quality.  Simply put, we want what we can’t (or we’re less likely to) have. This human weakness can be exploited in innumerable ways.

In the early days of Facebook, the social networking site was only available to Harvard students, then the Ivy League. Soon Facebook opened its doors to all college students,  employees at select  companies, and in 2006 it finally opened to the world. Today, the website boasts over a billion members, but the first users were an exclusive group. As the network grew, others naturally wanted in. Whether by accident or intent, Facebook’s ability to surpass all of its social networking competitors speaks volumes about our desire for hard-to-get things.

The It Bag

Luxury and exclusivity are nearly synonymous in the marketing world. High end brands maintain their prestige simply by limiting the number of products available and using prohibitive pricing.

There can be as long as  a six year wait list to purchase an Hermes ‘Birkin’ bag which ranges in price from $12,000 to over $200,000. And even if you have the disposable  income and an inordinate amount of patience, it takes more than a simple stroll into the nearest Hermes boutique. In pursuit of this rarefied bag, one must curry favor with a sales associate or even hire someone else to source it. Unless you are a bona fide celebrity or socialite, the complex process of procuring such a bag makes it the ultimate status symbol among ladies who lunch. It is so coveted, the bag actually gains value the moment you purchase it, meaning obtaining one of these bags can be as significant an investment as purchasing a modest, suburban home— with cash.

Playing hard to get?

Perceived scarcity plays an obvious role in the seduction process, but the old adage “play hard to get” is misleading. If one must play hard to get in, then the reality must be quite the opposite. Exclusive objects are not simply difficult to procure—they are difficult to obtain because there are so few like them.

And here comes the good news for just about any human being on the planet who aspires elevate themselves above the banal: there is only one of you.

It is really that simple, but infinitely complex because our society  systemically promotes conformity. Traditional dating advice prescribes “rules” and established modes of behavior.  Play the damsel in distress. Don’t say too much over dinner. Wait so many days. In reality, no two seductions are the same because every pleasurable journey takes on the tone of its tour guide.

When we appeal to universal standards of beauty and decorum in  our quests to mesmerize, we really do just the opposite. We downplay the characteristics that make us rare— sui generis— and given human nature, this  completely defies logic.

Consider again luxury handbags. The moment counterfeits flood the market, the value goes down.

Why be a copy when you can be an original?

A Woman Like No Other

I imagine that the mania surrounding Josephine Baker following her Parisian debut, leading men to propose and women to slick their hair with Baker-fix,  was much like the economic boom fueled by tulips in 16th century Europe. She too was exotic, rare and unlike anything Parisians had ever seen. But Baker belongs to an exclusive sorority of women who throughout history made their mark by playing up their most exclusive qualities.

The first step for any woman who seeks to ply her trade as a modern day siren is to mine her 198329_10100128253261234_109271138_nown virtues. Take inventory of everything that makes you an original. This may be your apple cheeks, full lips, or flirtatious lashes. It may be a petite or a towering stature. It may be your laugh, your intensity, your dry wit, or intriguing depth. All of these qualities can be owned and exaggerated for seductive effect.

This is precisely my reason for creating The 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes Quiz as the first major feature of this website. I hope to give women a mirror in which to objectively examine their inner and outer virtues. Archetypes do this, by allowing us to understand the critical inner forces shaping our lives. They grant us the autonomy to boldly claim our most authentic selves, and they offer insight into the unique ways in which the world sees us.

How to be an ‘It’ Girl

There are other ways in which the world perceives our exclusivity. An in-demand object commands a great price. People can also be in demand. Celebrities and CEO’s are extreme examples. Celebrities are ‘hot’. They have social and erotic capital. We all want a piece of them because we want fame by association. Professionals at the top of their game are also in demand. They are busy running companies. They have limited time. Time with them is in effect scarce.

These are extreme examples but the same principles hold true for you and I. When we lead full lives that encompass our personal time, careers, family, friends, and the activities that make us feel most alive, we increase our demand. For one, our time, which is always precious, is limited and two– when a woman leads a life passion, pleasure and tedious self-care, her energy flourishes. Some men may call it your vibe… It’s a hard concept for them to grasp. But sensuality, yin, sex appeal, feminine energy, shakti, vibe– whatever you call it– when it is in great supply, people will want to be near you. People will literally crave your energy. Trust me on this one.

Exclusivity is something that is communicated tacitly. Human instinct is to infer value based on context. There are many ways that exclusivity may be implied. Living authentically is one. It says you are one of a kind, and comfortable being so. When you don’t try to ‘please’ your behavior says ‘take me or leave me’.  Upholding personal standards and boundaries is another way we communicate exclusivity. It silently communicates you have options.

There’s an even more insidious tactic that the greatest sirens have leveraged to their advantage. Triangles.

How Carolyn Bessette Snagged John F. Kennedy Jr.
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In 1988 People magazine named the 27 year old John F. Kennedy Jr. “the sexiest man alive”. The son of legendary siren and style icon Jacqueline Kennedy and former president John F. Kennedy, he was considered as close to American royalty as one could get. And accordingly, he kept in a rotation a glittering menagerie of women. By the time he’d reached his 30’s, he’d been linked to Madonna, Julia Roberts, Melanie Griffith, and blonde-bombshell Daryl Hannah, his on-again-off-again paramour who wanted more than anything to be his wife. Like the Greek god Hermes, John was dashing and fleet-footed. He loved women but he loved freedom more. No one could capture his heart until…

He met Carolyn Bessette, a tall, ethereal, ice blonde publicist for Calvin Klein with striking (not classically so) features and translucent eyes. They met at a pool party. Carolyn was with Michael Bergin, her sometime boyfriend, an aspiring model and doorman at the trendy Paramount Hotel. Carolyn wasn’t an actress, model or trust-fund baby— but she was a known “man eater”. She had an eye for powerful, famous men and she was an expert at driving them crazy.  An ex once told a reporter that Carolyn “would make you jealous and you tried to do it back, she’d ignore you. Then you go completely crazy.”

She was determined to win John, but he was the last to know. While dating John, she casually continued her ‘friendship’ with Bergin, using him as a valuable weapon. When John resorted to his playboy ways, she’d be sure to be photographed with her model boy-toy. No one thought she’d actually leave John, except for him.

Even when John asked her to marry him, in 1995, she took a move out of her soon-to-be mother-in-law’s playbook, and deferred her answer for months. Meanwhile, as she kept John on tenterhooks, she quietly booked the chapel ahead of time.

41kb0hmfakl-_sy344_bo1204203200_
Michael Bergin ultimately wrote about his experience as ‘The Other Man’ in this New York Times Best Seller.

Call it the harem effect. When we appear as an object of desire, we take aim at man’s willingness to conquer and possess. Triangles are an extreme tactic that must be employed tacitly and with restraint. You must allow the men in your life to come to their own conclusions. You don’t create triangles with your lips.

Sometimes they form casually– like when we are out socially, politely engaging  multiple men– maybe even  friends. Dating multiple men creates triangles. ‘Rotational dating’ as its called makes you  less available and men can sense when you aren’t desperate for you companionship. (Men want to be wanted, not needed) And then there’s the methodical approach to deliberately  leaving clues, like Carolyn did, that another man is after our heart. It helps if this is really true.

One Final Note

All sirens have preternatural gift of inciting curiosity, isolating her paramour, and cultivating her highest qualities. Curiosity, isolation and exclusivity are the three critical ingredients in any seduction— but there is one more principle worth mention.

There are some diners who return to Le Diner en Blanc excitedly year after year—- and there are others who would rather host a picnic in their own backyard. That’s the thing about seduction– charm is never one size fits all.  Thousands of people walk past the Tiffany’s window every day without ever entering the store, yet the price of the jewels never change.

The most seductive women on the planet are charming, enchanting and bold–but more than anything, they don’t allow others to define their worth.

Be who you are. The world will adjust.

xo,
Ayesha

This is Part III of a three part blog series titled “How to Seduce a Man: 3  Principles Every Woman Must Know”. Read Part I (Few can resist a mystery) here and read Part II (Isolation inspires intimacy) here.

The Art of Seduction Part II: Isolation

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This is a continuation of a three-part series titled “How to Seduce A Man: 3 Principles Every Woman Must Know”. If you haven’t already, please begin with Part I.  

I can remember the bonding that began the moment I arrived to the departure location for Le Diner en Blanc. It was just outside of Brooklyn’s Barclays from where our group guide would lead us to an unknown location. Dressed in all white— we stood apart from the drab concrete jungle. Naturally, we began to talk amongst ourselves—mostly  exchanging war stories of hauling tables and chairs on New York City public transportation.

This group bonding progressed as we played follow-the-leader through the turn stiles,  spilling out onto the subway platform like a  bottle of white out. We noticed the puzzled expressions of the commuters. They weren’t in on the secret. This made us feel closer. And by the time we arrived to our surprise location, it was as if we were long time friends.

The Second Principal of Seduction

There is a reason why couples take romantic getaways and cult leaders lure  converts to  compounds in a faraway place. There’s a reason why sororities, fraternities, gangs and secret societies practice covert handshake and greetings. People bond over secrets and shared experiences. These are both forms of isolation, and as you’ll discover in the following text, isolation inspires intimacy.

There are two forms of isolation; physical and psychological. Physical isolation occurs when an individual is placed in an unfamiliar environment and   feeling insecure, overly relies on the social cues of others. 

1151180_29f8_1024x2000During the prelude to their liaison, vicomtesse Josephine Bonaparte famously invited Napoleon to one of her weekly soirees where she’d be surrounded by leading intelligentsia,  beautiful women and a gaggle of male admirers.[emaillocker id=1335] Napoleon at the time was a ruthlessly ambitious, womanizing, socially awkward 26 year old who’d made a name for himself on the battle field. In spite of his astonishing military prowess, the young general felt  completely out of his element in Josephine’s salon, leading him to earnestly seek the company of his exotic hostess. From that night on, Napoleon submitted to Josephine.

This of course was her plan all along.

Back to our case study– Le Diner en Blanc employs this same kind of physical isolation to lead its diners deeper into the seductive experience. Imagine, 5,000 people traveling from all corners of New York City to an unknown destination, completely at the mercy of a group leader. These people, already subject to the horror of wearing white post-Labor Day, are hauling everything but the kitchen sink and  much like Napoleon upon meeting Josephine, feel completely out of their element. Hence, they look to each other for reassurance and quickly form social bonds.

Isolation can be used intentionally for seductive strategy, but, as when new paramours meet for cocktails, it is a natural aspect of human interaction. It is virtually impossible to form an intimate bond with someone without it.

The Most Important Kind of Isolation

Physical isolation gives men the upper hand because in our culture, men are expected to extend the invitation i.e. inviting a woman to an intimate restaurant, his home, or away for a long weekend. Men pick up on the power of isolation at an early age. By the time they come of age, they’ve learned, if nothing else , that getting a woman alone is critical in getting her to surrender.  In fact, if you browse any Pick-Up Artist (PUA) literature, ‘isolating the victim’ (pathetic choice of terms) is a widely-touted maneuver. But it has its shortcomings  because for one, the partner must be willing, and two, eventually  you must part ways.

Psychological isolation is far more subtle, powerful and as you’ll soon discover,  it gives women the upper hand.  Psychological isolation occurs when people share secrets, mutual experiences, or become mentally preoccupied with another person, idea, or task.   Quite common in everyday interaction, it is employed, often unwittingly, by  parents, bosses, and the lovers who make us swoon.

I only think of you on  two occasions, that’s day and night .- Babyface

The Seductive Exchange of Secrets

For college, I attended an institution known for its secret societies, the most infamous of which, rumor has it, requires new taps to confess their deepest secrets, including past sexual exploits. Though this sounds more like locker room antics, it is fitting that a group literally entombed in secrecy would employ this tactic to bond its newest members.

Secrets are social cement. They are the ties that bond families, best friends, lovers, co-conspirators, and sometimes even casual acquaintances. Consider the brief intimacy one feels when sharing an inside joke or how clever sales men always seem to “let you in on a little secret” when trying to gain your trust.

If curiosity is what incites seduction, then the exchange of intimate information propels it forward. This is a balancing act as those two truths are essentially at odds— we are captivated by people we can’t figure out, yet feel connected to those with whom we’ve exchanged personal information. Seduction requires both intrigue and deep emotion. How do we sustain both?

A Woman’s Work

At the beginning of a liaison, women are typically tasked with elevating the connection from cerebral to emotional. This is one of our unique gifts and among the reasons that mermaids  are most often portrayed as women. Sirens and mermaids symbolize our preternatural ability to move between land and sea, or head and heart. Women are guides, and we lead by example

sirenwaterhouseAn enticing dress doesn’t reveal the entire body. It shows, perhaps, a slither of thigh or a bare back. Seductive dialogue accomplishes the same goal. It incorporates selective disclosure— revealing enough to establish intimacy while still maintaining intrigue. The spirit of such conversation is based in candor and emotional honesty. It could be a rousing discussion of your passions that that makes your eyes sparkle, or even confessing your deepest fear. This spirit of openess and a willingness to display genuine emotion tacitly permits your partner to do the same.

Still, the act of revealing oneself should not be misinterpreted as over-sharing or even being an open book. Secrets are often so powerful that when prematurely exchanged, one might  bolt under the pressure. In seduction, information is currency. Spend wisely.

Mutual Experiences

What do church picnics, high school pep rallies and gang initiations have in common?

These are just a few examples of orchestrated events designed to solidify group bonds through shared experience. Like the exchange of secrets, shared experiences are capable of cultivating instinctive feelings of intimacy and closeness. This may be a group of young men who become ‘brothers’ while undergoing an intense fraternity pledge process. This may be a new couple that grows closer while stranded on the side of the highway. Whether elation or crisis, a unique experience solidifies the bond between two people more readily than any length of time.

Consider the instant bond felt with strangers of the same heritage, people who grew up in your  old neighborhood, or practice your profession? Nothing seems to connect people faster than discovering common ground.  The constant force of group affiliations exemplifies mental isolation on a macro level, but on a micro-level– when two people share a unique experience–this kind of isolation can be devastating.

Mis En Scene

The greatest sirens understood the value of shared experience and would set the stage for seduction.

They were maestras of the  ‘mis en scene’.

Cleopatra arrived at Ceasar’s feet rolled up in a carpet, having been smuggled into his lawrence_alma-tadema-_anthony_and_cleopatrachambers during the middle of the night. She greeted her next great lover, Mark Antony, on a magnificent gold barge on the river of Cydnus, where beautiful young women danced as she evoked the love goddess Aphrodite.

The American siren Wallis Simpson once invited Prince Edward to her Fourth of July party to celebrate his ancestor’s loss of the colonies over fried chicken and black bean soup— a far cry Buckingham Palace fair.

And on her first date with Prince William,  Kate Middleton, looking to make a little joke, moved to curtsey, lost her footing, fell over and caused him to spill a drink on himself. Terribly awkward, but I mention Kate’s story to reiterate my point… It doesn’t matter if the experience is positive or negative, it need only be memorable.

A modern siren might suggest a walk in the park just as the cherry blossoms are blooming,  dinner in the dark, or she may invite her paramour to her home for a soiree where, like Empress Jospehine, she is the star of the show. Your goal is to set the stage for a one-of-a kind experience, but don’t feel like you need to sky dive (unless you’re in to that sort of thing). Choosing an engaging activity or setting that puts your paramour slightly out of his element is a great start.

Isolation by Distraction

What captures your attention, controls your life. That is an extreme statement that rings wholly true. The trouble is, in matters of captivation, hind sight is 20/20. By definition, one realizes his  attention has been captured only after it has been released.

Who and what we focus on controls our thoughts, feelings and actions. This is why the stakes mind-control-10for your attention are so high. Consider the millions of dollars brands spend each year for a mere fraction of your focus. They understand the power of exposure. The more time you spend contemplating a subject, the more influence that subject has on you.

Your long term success, as a lover, a parent or even a business woman, often depends on winning the attention of others. In seduction, this is critical.  You want to be the woman that, like smoke, consumes a man, even when you’re nowhere around.

Enter His Mind

This leads me to the final, and most powerful form of isolation— entering the mind. When a person is preoccupied with a task or thought, they are in essence isolated from external stimuli. There is little mental space for competing thoughts. In our world of constant distraction, mental isolation is much harder to achieve, especially on a busy target, but it is an absolutely essential aspect of seduction.

At the most basic level, mental isolation occurs when we are hyper-focused on the task at hand. Parents who fill their children’s calendar with extracurricular activities so that they ‘stay out of trouble’ are unwittingly engaging in mental isolation.

Employers do the same when they assign busy work, even during slow periods at the firm.  In fact, the practice of mental isolation  is so common in the American workplace, one study* suggests that roughly 50% of all the work employees do “fails to advance the organizations’ strategies.” In other words, it is work designed to keep employees mentally isolated, and less likely to spend their free time on personal projects, evaluating their situation or even searching for a new job.

Here’s how to mentally isolate a man…

Embrace Enigma

Have you ever binge-watched a show on Netflix? Or finished reading a gripping thriller in two days?

Humans are hardwired to dislike vague, hazy or incomplete things. In psychology, this is called the Ziegernik effect and it explains our quasi-need for resolution. Without a sense of completion,  we experience a dynamic state of tension that hangs over our heads (like a long to-do list) triggering intrusive thoughts.

In part I of this blog series, I  describe the power of complex personality in seduction. When a person possesses seemingly contradictory qualities,  Marilyn Monroe’s girlish sexuality being the textbook example, they are in essence walking cliffhangers. They never quite make sense, so we spend time thinking about them, striving for resolution. We experience this same unease when people send us mixed signals or keep us in suspense. These types of people invade our thoughts by  triggering our intrinsic need to understand.

HINT: Everyone has contrasting elements to their personality. What are yours and how can you dramatize them? If you need help, take the seduction archetype quiz and compare your primary and secondary archetype.

The Power of Unpredictable

I once had a news director who was totally unpredictable. On some days, she was affable and friendly, enlivening our morning editorial meetings with clever jokes. At other times she was callous and cruel, apt to publicly humiliate an underling at any given time. Can you guess how we behaved towards her? We bent over backwards for her approval. We walked on egg shells.

It wasn’t that we were fascinated by her obvious contrasting personality—  she also influenced us by tapping into our deep desire for validation.

And here is the final, and most intoxicating means of filling a person’s mind.

Often people who exert an inordinate pull  on others, like my old boss, do so by tapping into seductive,couch,jackvettriano,legs,painting,seduction-094ad001183cadc86e8e31a0a0ad76ef_hour deepest egocentric needs. We all have basic ‘wants’ ,  like food, sex and money, but seductive people satisfy our intrinsic need. They scratch the hard-to-reach itch, like our desire for a sense of power, hope or validation. Seductive people are masters at  identifying and filling in the missing piece. They appeal to the person we aspire to be, and in exchange for the euphoric feelings they give us, we give them our loyalty and undivided attention.

Anyone who’s ever longed for emotional reciprocity or waited by the phone understands power of  this sort of mental isolation. Once we’ve experience pleasure, we long to experience it again.  Take my old boss. We worked much harder for her than we  would have for a boss that was always pleasant, or always cruel. If she was constantly pleasant, we’d take her good nature for granted. If she was consistently  cruel, we’d consider our efforts futile. But because we knew that sometimes she could be very nice, she appealed to our desire to prove ourselves and seek validation from someone who was selective in giving it.

Perhaps one of the greatest ironies about pleasure is that when we receive it all of the time, we get bored. It is only when a pleasurable experience is intermittently reinforced that we begin to crave it— and idealize it. Put in another way, in seduction, half the fun is in the wanting.

To Seduce is to Die as Reality

French philosopher Jean Baudrillard once famously wrote, “to seduce is to die as reality and reconstitute oneself as an illusion”. The greatest seducers know that they are human, just like the rest of us, but they’ve developed a preternatural talent for inspiring deep, euphoric, all-consuming love. To those who fall under their spell, they are not human– they are fantasies come to life.

[/emaillocker]When cupid fires his arrow, the love struck feels both pleasure and the sting of pain. In seduction, the two are marvelously entertwined. You too can consume a man, in the same manner that a drop of cream infuses black coffee, but in order to accomplish this longing, you must supply the two ingredients of love; both agony and ecstasy.

xo,
Ayesha

This is Part II of a three-part blog series titled “How to Seduce  A Man: 3 Principles Every Woman Must Know”. Part I reveals the first principle; few can resist a mystery. Part III reveals why you must be one-of-a-kind. Subscribe below to receive  my weekly letter containing original case-studies, videos and articles that you won’t find on the site– or anywhere else on the web.

*Peterson, Brent D., and Gaylan W. Nielson. Fake Work: Why People Are Working Harder than Ever but Accomplishing Less, and How to Fix the Problem. New York: Simon Spotlight Entertainment, 2009. Print.

The Art of Seduction: 3 Tactics Every Woman Should Know (Part I)

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What an Exclusive Pop-Up Party Taught Me About Seduction

When I received a simple invitation to Le Diner en Blanc via text, I had one hand on my laptop, the other on a fork, and my mind completely in the clouds. That is to say, when I absentmindedly agreed, I had no idea what I was in for.

Typically all-white parties elicit a  heavy sigh punctuated by an exasperated eye roll. I live in black and balk at all things cliche– but this was not your  average white party, I’d soon discover from the friend inviting me, a fellow Aphrodite I had met a week prior while teetering and tippling on a rooftop– Le Diner en Blanc is an international phenomena where from city to city, a select group of people gather at a surprise location to break bread with friends.

With one catch.

You bring your own bread to break– and flowers, tableware, stemware, candles and chairs.  And the table.
You must even bring the table. 

A week later, as I schlepped from Brooklyn to Manhattan, following my group guide to an undisclosed location while hauling lukewarm food, decor and a bouquet of exasperated lilies through the rusty turnstiles of  an underground maze, I could not fathom why anyone would endure all of this hassle for an outing in the city that never sleeps. Who wants to attend a dinner party where you are obligated to bring both the dinner and the party?

As it turns out, many.

The woman next to me on the subway, her white folding chairs  and my bags making love, finally scored an invite after four years. In New York City, there is a waiting list 40,000 people long.

The epiphany finally struck just as the sun retreated behind a coral horizon, and a profusion of  white cotton,  plumes and parasols descended upon Battery Park’s waterfront as if it were the Kabba. From our respective corners of the city, we’d been happily lead on a journey to the unknown, baited with the promise of mystery  and pursuit of pleasure. This was a text book seduction, and true to form, the experience defied logic. That was the point. This wasn’t supposed to make sense.

Seduction Tactic No. 1….

As a species, we relish in our rationalism, in our cognitive faculty, but under the spell of enchantment, humans behave in peculiar ways. We follow charismatic leaders even when they lead us to destruction. We buy items we don’t need because just they make us feel good. And we fall in crazy, stupid, ridiculous love… sometimes, with crazy, stupid,  ridiculous people.

The latin root seducere literally means to “lead astray”, and whether we are lead to a mountain top or over a cliff, the journey is always pleasurable. Seduction taps into our most primal longings and it just so happens that this exclusive pop-up party exploits the  three basic truths that make seduction possible.

Inspired my experience, I decided to use Le Diner as a case study from which to explore these three truths, or principles. Any woman who can understand and master these three seduction principles will have the upper hand in all of her relationships.

But first…

Do you want to know a secret?

Of course you do. We all do.

Take any title and add in the word ‘secret’ and it becomes infinitely more enticing. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. The Secret Life of Bees. The Secret. Victoria’s Secret…Catch my drift?

Fast-talking con artists present secret opportunities to their unwitting victims. Gurus claim to have secret, mystical knowledge. And during the slowest of news cycles, newsrooms can always cash in on  a juicy expose.

And this is the first principle of seduction… Few people can resist a secret.

Harness the Power of a Secret

Secrets are a hidden addiction because most humans are bound to their insatiable curiosity. Psychologists believe that our curiosity drive is just as powerful as our desire to eat and drink.

Curiosity is the invisible force that draws us closer to window displays, magazines stands, or the intriguing stranger across the street.Curiosity — a state of active interest or wanting to know more about something — creates a willingness to embark in the unfamiliar. It  lays the groundwork for transportive experience.

Ultimately, seduction is the fine art of inciting curiosity and prolonging anticipation.

“I love this part” my friend whispered conspiratorially on the subway as we sat shoulder to shoulder with our fellow group members. “This is the part where everyone looks and asks us where we are going.”

Of course, we didn’t know. Le Diner is ensconced in mystery, from the last minute location reveal, to the elusive process of scoring an invite, the entire event is meant to seem like a swift passing cloud. They came. They dined. They left. And that is a huge part of its appeal.

Suspense authors are masters at exploiting our need-to-know. First, they ensnare readers with a rapid-fire hook that places a likable protagonist in immediate danger, and then they concoct a series of obstacles and challenges that  make us worry about the hero’s fate until the very end. This is  the formula for an irresistible story–  but people can master this game too.

First, Incite Curiosity…

We are captivated by  things that cannot be immediately understood.

Sometimes, this is a striking appearance.  Having long surmised man’s weakness for the visual, for thousands of years women have used cosmetics and  artifice to cultivate a distinguishing  look. This achievement in innovation is far less attributable to natural beauty than a sheer willingness to stand out. Beauty is, as Oscar Wilde would say, “a form of genius”.

Dita Von Teese’s alabaster skin and  jet-black hair is as arresting as naked, snowcapped trees. Halle Berry’s career launched when she cut her locks into a short pixie; Lucille Ball’s when she colored  her natural blonde hair red.

Legendary courtesan Cora Pearl, once known as both “the scandal and the toast of Paris”, intentionally dressed to provoke shock and awe. In Victorian France, when most women were confined to the boudoir,  Pearl could be found exiting her stage coach in blue hair, a blue dress, and a dog with fur dyed blue to match. She was the precursor to contemporary celebrities like Lady Gaga and Bjork who have also leveraged the power of curiosity for fame.

No romantic seduction can commence without first initiating this kind of visual intrigue. A distinguishing look attracts the eye and inspires boundless curiosity because female beauty is ambiguous. It is indefinable. Red lips, wavy hair, kohl-lined eyes– none of it  has meaning. When we adorn ourselves by covering the  body in artifice, we become the secret.

Chantal Thomas, queen of french lingerie insists women “hide to show better” and who can disagree with the titillating power of a back-seamed stocking or a touch of lace. Much of what we consider glamorous style serves this precise purpose. Dark glasses, a cinched trench coat– they all heighten allure because they hide part of the woman.

The hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding from you.-Roland Barthus, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments

Taking this into consideration, we must revise our modern concept of beauty. Beauty rituals are not a means of altering nature, but rather altar-ing her. We wrap ourselves in signs— cosmetics and artifice, not to conform, but in order to transform the natural into the sublime. It is only in a patriarchal context that we interpret the pursuit beauty as a means of erasure— a means of becoming more like we ought to be.

…Then Embrace Paradox

When an object or person defies expectation, we pay attention. In psychology, the phenomenon is called the expectation violations theory and it relates to our primitive need to evaluate unusual signals as either a threat or a positive event.  Accordingly, humans who contradict expectations elicit more than a fleeting thought. We remember them, and sometimes think of them in their absence.

grace-kelly-rear-windowKnown as The Master of Suspense, film director Alfred Hitchcock  employed this principle to throw his audience. He refused to cast Hollywood bomb-shells like Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield as femme fatales because  he considered their sexuality  to be too overt. Instead, he would cast a patrician blonde, like Grace Kelly,  with a  cool, buttoned-up, aloof demeanor. This way, when his icy heroine displayed her true passion,  it came as shock to men both on and off screen.

From John F. Kennedy to Idris Elba, the most virile, seductive men often possess just a touch of the feminine. Some of the greatest sirens owe their enigma to paradox: Marilyn (Ingenue) was both sensual and innocent. Salome (Boss)  was cerebral yet intensely erotic. British singer Sade (Goddess) is down-to-earth yet distant.

Take advantage of seductive paradox by considering the  dynamic interplay of your two or three dominant archetypes— how might they work together to create intrigue? How can you dramatize your primary archetype enough such that when your secondary reveals itself, like a Hitchcock blonde, it comes as a pleasant surprise?

…and Maintain the Mystery

Even once we’ve cultivated a seductive look and persona, curiosity must remain a constant. Seduction is, after all, the act of inciting and sustaining this state of wonder. Here is where the old adage, “leave something to the imagination” applies. This is not a matter of hiding who you are, or worse, pretending to be someone you are not. It is exposing just enough to heighten further curiosity.

umathurmancelebritiesvisitlatenightjimmypwaue0ivuhmlCelebrities are often masters at this. They appear on late night talk shows and red carpets as affable and friendly as ever. They
 tell us about their latest projects and how they recently celebrated their child’s first birthday. They are genuine (because this can’t be faked) and we attain just enough to feel as they are like us— but really they are still quite a mystery, and that’s what allows them to be stars— bright enough to see, too far away to touch.

Sustaining the mystery is quite easy with acquaintances and strangers. It is  an art form with intimate friends because while anticipation is the life blood of seduction, so is emotional connection– and the latter can only be cultivated through openness and occasional vulnerability.

Focus on the other person at the start of the liaison. Listen deeply and observe. Not only will your attention flatter (who doesn’t like to talk about themselves), but you’ll gain useful insight into their personality, and you’ll naturally reveal yourself at a slower pace.  In any social dealing, information asymmetry,  (when one party knows a bit more about the other) softly tilts the balance of power in your direction. If you do it right, i.e. hanging on to their every word, they’ll neither notice nor care.

Also, remember that seduction is a form of warfare, and just as a general never reveals his intentions, neither does a lover. Maintaining an element of suspense keeps people on their toes, and deepens the thread of curiosity.

Key Takeaway

Eventually a woman must begin to peel back her layers and reveal herself. As you’ll read in Part II and III of this series, it is a critical aspect of establishing emotional intimacy, and emotions are like glue in any relationship.Overtime, this balancing act of maintaining both mystery and intimacy is perhaps most adroitly  performed by a woman with actual depth, and here is the best advice of all: Any woman who is constantly evolving, learning, and entertaining her own curiosity is impossible to know fully, thus she will always prove utterly fascinating.

In the next article, Part II of this series, discover the second seduction principal that every woman must know. Hint: It’s the quickest way to form a bond.

xo,

Ayesha

Seduction is for Women Who Crave Love AND Liberation

By

Forget everything you know about the feminine ideal.

Forget the images that confront you daily of pouting, bikini-clad sexpots, Stepford wives and sweet girls who live next door. Forget the fairytales where a hapless female waits for a prince to choose her and change her life. Forget the rules and the dating coaches telling you how to think and how to act.

I am not here to give you any more rules. That is the last thing a woman needs.

I am here to help you reclaim your power, a power that has existed since the dawn of man when humans worshipped at the altar of the goddess. From roughly 30,000-3,000 BCE, women and goddesses were deified, a fitting elevation considering woman’s critical role in early hunter-gather societies where archaeologists suggest women were responsible for gathering and harvesting as much as 80 percent of the stable food supply. These women gave birth and nursed young. They lorded over pottery, weaving and the healing arts. They lead rituals and rites. And endowed with corpulent, life-giving bodies that were mystically synchronized with the appearance of the moon, women was inspired the same wonder and awe as the thunder and cosmic light shows that  bewildered early man. Yes, women were considered to be a force of nature.

From Isis to Lilith, Athena and Ochun, there is a global pantheon of female deities who still exert and inordinate pull on our collective consciousness. Man’s idea of love crystallized around the mythic goddess, and even today, when he encounters a woman who displays her bewitching qualities–vitality, eroticism, wit, succor, the ability to inspire both fear and love– he experiences a sort of primal de ja vu. Men are ultimately seeking a woman they can worship.

“Women all want to be sirens, but don’t know their trade.”- Frederick Fellini

But of course, we’re not supposed to know this. In childhood we internalize “someday my prince will come”. In the meantime we are expected to wait patiently, and behave. We are inundated with slick, airbrushed advertisements that deliberately poke wholes in our ego for the sake of a sale.

We are told that to be powerful is to behave like a man and to be liberated is to have sex like one. We are taught that our advantage in relationships is hard-won and fleeting at best, and that our power only lasts so long as a man has yet to taste our bodies or grow tired of them. We are placed into limiting, oppressive categories. We can be beautiful or smart, a virgin, or whore. It rarely occurs that we can be wonderfully complex, sexual and wise, soft and strong, enigmatic and open, divas, and divine.

We tell women to play the cards they have been dealt, that our romantic success will only go so far as looks and youth will take us. Traditional love advice encourages us to conform and behave, although we know, thanks to Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, that well-behaved women seldom make history. And even if you are not out to make history, why not make a life of your own design?

“The strength of the feminine is that of seduction”- Jean Baudrillard

Western society has done much to malign the seductive woman, the woman who operates with such brazen autonomy, and such electric vitality, that she threatens to turn patriarchy on its head. He portrays her as a whore, as manipulative, as a femme fatale, literally a deadly woman, who will inevitably lead man to his ruin. This is a rouse. This is man’s way of throwing women off… and of ensuring that he maintains his artificial sexual advantage over woman kind.

You know better.

This is a golden age for the seductive woman. We no longer have to seduce for our supper, and thank goodness for that. Today, we ply our techniques to improve our options. We use this set of soft skills and self-awareness to maximize our romantic and vocational success.

We can aspire to be whomever we damn well please.

Our wit is no longer confined to a dinner table, nor is our sexual agency confined to the bed. We can run a business, run for president, run a home, or just run around the world pursuing fun. We can marry whomever we want. We can marry for love. We can marry for money. (We can marry for love of money ?) We can wear what we want to wear and make love to the men of our choosing.

Of course, these freedoms aren’t experienced by women across the world, but curiously enough, in places where women are endowed with the freedom of choice, women are floundering in a sea of soulless hook-ups, hang-ups, break-downs, and break-ups. In our golden era of choice, we find ourselves lacking the power that generations of women before us wielded so masterfully.

This condition is further complicated by the digital age of online dating, over sharing, instant gratification, and over-sex. Women are the losers in this culture. It’s a playing field created and rigged by men.

Must liberation come at the expense of love? Some goddesses among us— still ply this trade masterfully, but most women are absolutely mystified as to how to prevail in love.

Romantic success and worldly success go hand-in-hand. Both take moxie, nerve, and verve. Both require that decide the life we want to live—and then become the woman who lives it.

This site is a celebration of women who did just that, and instinctively elevated love from act to art; women like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, who turned down two marriage proposals before settling on the future president, Wallis Duchess of Windsor, the American divorcee for whom King Edward VIII abdicated his throne, and Erykah Badu, the eclectic songstress who hooked hip-hops finest.These are women who shirked convention, gender norms and complacency.

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beyonce-gold-style-upgrade-upgrade-u-Favim.com-123631“Partner, let me upgrade you….” -Beyonce

They, in the words of Beyonce “upgraded” their men. Erykah inspired her emcee lover’s creativity. Jacqui edited John’s speeches. Eva Peron helped Juan rise to power in Argentina. A seductive woman can be the best thing to ever happen to man.

Here’s the truth.

You don’t have to choose between virgin and whore. Both stereotypes were created to oppress women. You are more than a face, a comfortable vessel, or a fleeting period of youth. You are not a car—you don’t lose value the moment someone takes you for a drive, and you were not destined to be traded in for a newer model. This entire belief system was created to deprive women of the very confidence and vitality that makes the earth shake and men tremble– the supra-vitality that men secretly crave.

You can opt out of the hook-up merry-go-round. You don’t have to spend your life decoding texts, nursing bruised egos, or catering to men who haven’t learned how to cater to you. You can be a woman of your own making. And you can love on your own terms.

With lipstick and liberation,
Ayesha

PS: What makes you powerful? Discover how you uniquely captivate with my unique, psychology backed 13 Feminine Seduction Archetypes Questionnaire.

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