I spent my twenties drowning in intense relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
This story is about the first man for whom I fell hard– and how that relationship single-handedly changed my romantic destiny for an entire decade. This story is about the power of bad habits, and the people who teach us how to love. It’s both a testimony and a cautionary tale… and it’s anything but sad!
When I was 29 I finally realized that the reason I was drawn to the same type of man, over and over again, was not bad karma or 7 years of bad luck… I was drawn to exciting yet emotionally unavailable men because I, myself, was in fact emotionally unavailable.
For me, romance was about the thrill of the chase. The first man I loved betrayed me, and I spent the rest of my twenties trying to prove to myself that I was worthy of unconditional love. In my mind, every time I seduced a pretty boy, a play boy, a perennial bachelor, or some jet-setting Mr. Big, it eased the pain I felt deep in my heart. I was seeking resolution– not intimacy– and I was scared to enter a relationship with open energy and emotional vulnerability.
We are not defined by the people we attract. We are defined by those we keep. The relationships we choose to keep affirm our inner most beliefs about ourselves.
In my twenties, I attracted all sorts of men… but I kept the ones who kept me in a tail spin, wondering ”Am I enough?’ They affirmed my inner-most fears of inadequacy.
Self-awareness freed me. Self love was my savior.
I still fall for intoxicating men, but I’m no longer dating for intensity. I no longer mistake the highs of lows of emotional turbulence for love. I’m experiencing intimacy. I finally know what it’s like to see and be seen.
I rarely talk about this early chapter in my life, but after telling this story to a room full of women– who all gave me an Amen– I decided to share it. I know someone who needs to hear this today will!
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